Nikki [00:00:06]:
Hi. It’s Nicky Lowe, and welcome to the Wisdom for Working Mums podcast show. I’m your host. And for nearly two decades now, I’ve been an executive coach and leadership development consultant. And on this show, I share evidence based insights from my coaching, leadership, and psychological expertise and inspiring interviews that help women like you to combine your work, life, and motherhood in a more successful and sustainable way. Join me and my special guests as we delve into leadership and lifestyle topics for women, empowering you to thrive one conversation at a time. I’m so happy that you’re here, and let’s get on with today’s episode. Welcome to this episode.

Nikki [00:00:48]:
I’m your host, Nikki Lowe. And today I’m diving into something that has the potential to really transform your understanding of yourself. It really sits under why we do what we do. If you’ve ever found yourself exhausted but still pushing through, maybe unable to stop, or saying yes when every part of you wants to say no, or maybe you find yourself rushing through tasks, never feeling like there’s enough time, or holding it all together even when you’re struggling. If so, you’re not alone. And today, I’m diving into something called drivers. These are deep seated, unconscious messages that influence our behavior. They can explain so much about why we push ourselves so hard or struggle to say no or often feel like we’re never quite enough.

Nikki [00:01:49]:
I’ll be sharing stories, insights from psychology, and most importantly, practical strategies you can use to break free from these patterns and start living and working in a way that feels genuinely good to you. And let me say upfront, you’ll probably recognize all five drivers in yourself to some degree when I share them, and that’s completely normal. They can show up differently depending on the context, maybe at work or home or parenting or even in our inner dialogue. So let’s get into it. I’d like to share with you a story that might sound familiar. Let’s call this person Sarah, and Sarah is the definition of a high achiever. At work, she’s the go to person for getting stuff done flawlessly. And at home, she keeps everything running, meals prepped, school bags packed, even her calendar is color coded.

Nikki [00:02:52]:
But here’s what no one sees, the sleepless nights she spends reworking a presentation because it wasn’t quite good enough, the stress of saying yes to every school volunteer request even when her schedule is already bursting, and the guilt when she sits down to rest because rest feels like failure. It isn’t that Sarah wants to live this way. It’s that something deep inside her has told her she has to. And she’s asking that deeper question. Why do I always have to be perfect? Who told me it wasn’t okay to rest? And that’s where the concept of these drivers come in. And these drivers originated from the concept of transaction analysis. So transaction analysis, or TA as it’s known, is a psychological framework, and it was developed in the 1950s by somebody called doctor Eric Berne. And doctor Eric Berne was a psychoanalyst, and he really helps us understand how we relate to others, and just as importantly, how we relate to ourselves.

Nikki [00:04:08]:
And within transaction analysis is a powerful concept called drivers, and these are unconscious internal messages we absorb in childhood that go on to shape our adult life. I like to think of them like a hidden operating system running in the background of our mind. They influence how we work, how we lead, how we parent, and how we view our own self worth. And to really understand these drivers, we need to go back to early childhood because that’s where they were laid down. And as con children, we were constantly working to meet three core psychological needs to feel safe because, actually, as a species, we’re really relying on other people for many years before we can look after ourselves, so we have this innate need to feel safe. We also have an innate need to belong. We’re social creatures at the end of the day, and we wanna belong and feel related to others. And we have a psychological need to feel significant or valued.

Nikki [00:05:17]:
And in this process during childhood, we absorb unspoken messages, especially from parents, caregivers, and early authority figures. And these internalized rules and beliefs are what psychologists called introjections. And in my psychological training, I was always taught they were like these messages that we swallow, so we interject them. We actually just swallow them without questioning them. So there might be rules or beliefs such as be a good girl or only perfect is good enough. And these rules weren’t set with kind of ill intention. They often come from a loving, well meaning place, but unintentionally, when we can’t contextualize them as children because we just don’t have the tools to question or contextualize them, We simply absorb them as truths. So they they become these drivers, these internal rules that drive our behavior, and we live by them in order to learn love acceptance and approval.

Nikki [00:06:24]:
But here’s the key. What helped us feel safe or seen as children can become the very patterns that create burnout, stress, self doubt in early in our adulthood. So I wanted to now walk you through five main drivers and explore how they might be shaping your life. So the first driver is be perfect, and, really, this message is everything must be flawless. So at work, you might triple check every email, and you stay late making everything just right. And at home, you feel guilty if your house is messy or perhaps your child’s birthday cake isn’t Pinterest worthy. And, internally, there’s this sense that no matter what you accomplish, you always focus on what you could have done better. And I know that I can relate to this, and it’s something that I really have to keep in check.

Nikki [00:07:27]:
And I talk about myself now being a recovering perfectionist because that be perfect driver can really show up for me. And so the challenge with this driver is asking yourself, how can we make good enough enough? And if you’re a high achiever, just asking that question can feel wrong. It’s like, why would I only go for good enough? But, actually, it’s about optimizing our effort, not maximizing it. So let’s not put in a % when 80% is more than good enough. So notice I struggle with this one. The next one, the second driver is about please others. And, really, the message here is that everyone else’s needs need to come before your own. So at work, that might look like you overcommit or you take on other’s responsibilities to avoid conflicts.

Nikki [00:08:23]:
And at home, you say everything. You say yes to everything from PTO meetings to family favors. And, internally, the kind of messages saying no feels selfish, and putting yourself first feels uncomfortable. So the challenge with this driver is, can you start small? Can you say no to one low risk quest request and see what happens because you’ll notice if this driver is present for you because that feels deeply uncomfortable, that, actually, we’ve been taught that pleasing others is just so good that anything else feels wrong. The third driver is try hard. And the message here is you must always put in maximum effort even when it’s unnecessary. So you overwork, overthink, and push through even when no one’s asking you to. And at home, perhaps you can’t sit still, and everything is a project.

Nikki [00:09:31]:
So internally, there’s that sense that ease feels unharmed, and actual struggle equals worth. Like, we’re worthy in this world when we’ve just drained every lance at outside of ourselves and given it 200%. So the challenge with this driver is what would this look like if it were easy? You may remember in 2023, I think it was, every year, I come up with, like, a mantra, and my mantra for a couple of years ago was let it be easy. And that mantra was really helping me unhook from this driver about, I’ve gotta try really hard. Otherwise, it’s not good enough. So what would it look like if you let it be easy? The fourth driver is be strong, and the message here is you must never show weakness. So at work, you might hide your stress and never ask for help. And at home, you might carry all the mental and emotional load without complaint because, internally, the message is you believe vulnerability is weakness.

Nikki [00:10:43]:
So the challenge with this driver is practicing honestly saying, I’m finding this hard, and I need help. Because all of the research shows us that vulnerability is actually strength. So, again, this is a driver that I’ve had to work on, and you, again, have probably heard me share out on this podcast that over the years, I’ve really got intentional about strategically asking for help because I know that my be strong driver was making me hyper independent and not resourcing myself effectively. So if you can relate to that, maybe this is one you need to work on too. And the fifth and final driver in transaction analysis is hurry up driver. And this message is there’s never enough time to get everything done. So just work really hard and fast. So that means that you’re always multitasking and rushing and chasing deadlines.

Nikki [00:11:43]:
And at home, maybe you feel impatient, especially when things slow down, because internally, stillness feels unsafe, and you equate speed with success. So the challenge with this driver is try single tasking. And as a multitasker, you might find that difficult. And slow down intentionally and notice how it feels. And, again, this is a driver that I can struggle with. You may have heard me tell the story about my daughter, Ava, and we talk about being in Ava’s world because she’s naturally somebody that’s hugely present in the moment. She does not have the hurry up driver, and I’m trying not to give it to her. And I remember she went through a phase as a toddler that when we walked out the front door, she literally wanted to smell every flower in the garden.

Nikki [00:12:37]:
She would, like, cup the kind of head of the flower and smell all the petals. And I remember when we were walking out the door, it was often because we were trying to get somewhere, and I was trying to get somewhere in a hurry. And I would feel the discomfort of just trying to allow her to be because I knew the wiser part of me was like, This is a really beautiful moment, and I just wanted to stay in the present. But I could feel my inner hurry up going, come on. I’ve got to get somewhere. I’ve got to do something. And I really struggled to contain that. So I’m going to read those five drivers to you again.

Nikki [00:13:15]:
They are the be perfect driver, the please others driver, the try hard driver, the be strong driver, and the hurry up driver. And I wonder if you can relate to any of those. So if you can, you’re probably wondering, well, how do I break free from them? Understanding your drivers is the first step. The next step is learn how to respond differently on purpose. And this is where the powerful tool of acceptance and commitment therapy known as ACT ACT, acceptance and commitment therapy, can be really useful. So the first step in ACT is noticing because the moment you name the driver, you disarm it. This creates, kind of, space between the thought and you responding to it. And we talk about in coaching that awareness is curative.

Nikki [00:14:17]:
Just awareness on its own can reduce its power. So try saying, maybe, oop, there’s my be perfect driver, or maybe my hurry up voice is really loud today. Because what you’re aware of, you can start to control. What you’re not aware of controls you. So that first step is just noticing it. The second step is what we call diffusing from your thoughts because your brain will serve up all kinds of old scripts, these rules, as if they were facts. So try this phrase, I’m noticing my mind is telling me, because that shifts your perspective from the thought being in control of you to becoming the observer of the thought, and that’s where the power lies. So just adding the words in, I’m noticing my mind is telling me, reduces the hook that that thought has over you.

Nikki [00:15:16]:
The third step is reprogramming the driver with a new belief. So instead of saying, I have to get this perfect, perhaps try done is better than perfect or progress is better than perfection. Instead of saying yes to everything, I should say yes, Try saying, it’s okay to protect my energy. Because every time a new helpful thought is laid down, you strengthen a new neural pathway. Our brains have this great neuroplasticity. We can rewrite these thoughts that build those new pathways that make new programming possible. The fourth step is committing to an aligned action. Real change doesn’t just come from a mindset, it comes from what you do, it comes from the actions that you take.

Nikki [00:16:12]:
So choose one small action today, like a micro action. Perhaps let the email go at 80% if it’s not a high risk email. Say no to a non essential task, or perhaps try sitting for five minutes and doing nothing guilt free, because these micro moments retrain your nervous system and they retrain your identity. So I’d like to leave you with this final thought. Your drivers were laid down in childhood, often to help you feel safe, accepted, or loved, but you’re not a child anymore. You are a grown up, wise adult that can choose how you respond in the world. So as you move through your day, notice the patterns, name the driver, and create a space to choose a new path. And I hope this episode has been useful for you and that it’s read read kind of resonated with you.

Nikki [00:17:14]:
So I’d love to hear from you. Head over to social media or drop me an email, and let’s continue the conversation, or maybe share this with somebody that you think would benefit from hearing about these drivers. And until next time, take care. If you’ve enjoyed this episode of Wisdom for Working Mums, I’d love for you to share it on social media or with the amazing women in your life. I’d also love to connect with you, so head over to illuminate-group.co.uk, where you’ll find ways to stay in touch. And if this episode resonated with you, one of the best ways to support the show is by subscribing and leaving a review on iTunes. Your review helps other women discover this resource, so together we can lift each other up as we rise. So thanks for listening, until next time, take care.