Nicky Lowe [00:00:07]:

Hi. I’m Nikki Lowe, and welcome to the Wisdom For Working Moms podcast show, where I share insights and interviews that support women to combine their family, work, and life in a more successful and sustainable way. Welcome to this episode. I’m your host, Nicky Lowe, accredited master executive coach and founder of Wisdom For Working Mums. And today, I have a fantastic guest joining me. She’s a powerhouse in the world of diversity and inclusion, a dedicated single mother and a trailblazer in advocating for working parents. I’m thrilled to have Rebecca Candy with us today. Becky works for John Lewis Partnership as a qualified change manager practitioner.

Nicky Lowe [00:00:51]:

And alongside her day job, she’s also a diversity and inclusion leader and has been coleading the John Lewis Partnership’s Working Parents Network since 2017. John Lewis Partnership, if you’re not aware, is leading the way in how organizations can best support working parents, so these insights are something we can all learn from. And in this episode, Becky and I explore the challenges for working parents in the workplace, especially solo and single parents, and we talk about the difference between that Terminology. We talk about what managers and organizations can do better to support single and solo parents. We also explore Becky’s journey with neurodiversity and her recent autism diagnosis, which was fascinating. And we also explore the journey that the John Lewis Partnership, Working Parent Network has gone on, gone through over the years, including creating some really great subsets within that. I think you’re going to gain so much from this conversation, whether you’re a working parent yourself, a people manager, or you would like to see working parents better supported in your organization. So so I won’t keep you any longer.

Nicky Lowe [00:02:02]:

Let’s dive in. So, welcome, Becky. Thank you so much for joining me on the podcast show.

Rebecca Candy [00:02:07]:

It’s lovely to be here. Thank you.

Nicky Lowe [00:02:09]:

So for those that don’t know about you, and what you do, and what brings you here, can you just start by sharing a bit about your personal journey, really, as a single parent and how it shaped your career and your life, and and also why we’re talking about this today in terms of what you’re doing in the workplace.

Rebecca Candy [00:02:26]:

Oh, yes. Fantastic. Thank you. So I am a solo parent to my son, Thomas, who is 8 years old. And Early on, really early on in the pregnancy, it had become really clear that the relationship wasn’t gonna work out and, that I was gonna have to Parent alone. And yeah. And and that was, you know, it’s quite daunting at the time to be fair. You know, I went for the 1st scan, at 12 weeks.

Rebecca Candy [00:02:53]:

My mom came along with me, so it’s pretty the pretty the first scan that that was decided that that I was going to have to parent alone. But, you know, Thomas was very much a wanted I want a baby. And one of my strengths, I guess, is that sort of planning and, like, actually, you know, what are we gonna do about this? What am I gonna do about this? And I went into that full plan mode just thinking, okay. So if it is me, how do I make sure that I’m financially viable? You know? What is the cost of everything? And so, yeah, very much for me at that those early stages, I dive straight in to, planning out. Could I afford it? What did I have to do? You know, how was I gonna cope with With because, obviously, I was gonna have to work as well. I had, you know, a mortgage on house to pay. So there’s those basic, bits and pieces. So In lots of ways, yes, you know, and it’s funny when I talk to other so or single parents now, some would say I don’t know how you you do it, how you did it.

Rebecca Candy [00:03:48]:

But at the time, I think it’s I always knew at that point it was only ever gonna be me. So I never planned, for intervention for from anything else or any anyone else. And I think that made it a lot easier because I know whether you know, My finances was down to what I put into it, where my job was. There was no reliance on anyone else at that point. You know, family were really, really supportive, You know? And, and, actually, my work too. I’ve been at John Lewis oh, trying to think how many years. To Absa’s 8 now. I’ve been there 23 years.

Rebecca Candy [00:04:23]:

I can’t do the maths, probably 15 years guessing. Someone hopefully won’t correct me. There you go.

Nicky Lowe [00:04:28]:

I won’t. Don’t worry. I’m I’m I’m not a numbers girl, so don’t worry.

Rebecca Candy [00:04:33]:

And, but, you know, when going back to work, so it’s after Christmas time, and I said, look. You know, it’s me announcing, 1, I was pregnant, and 2, I was having to do it all by myself. My relationship had broken up. The support that I received from my immediate team, I mean, unbelievable, really unbelievable support. And, you know, I’m from John Lewis as a whole. There’s so many support factors with it within John Lewis. So that whole task of actually, right, I’ve got a few months here to to work out What I’m gonna do and how to do it. It really was helped by the fact that, I had that overwhelming support with my team And my job and all the people around me and and, you know, actually, at the time, there were, I think there were 4 other or maybe 5 other people, women in my team who are also pregnant around the same time.

Rebecca Candy [00:05:22]:

So we all actually had babies within a month of each other. There was 5 babies that We all had to earn Wow. At that same time. Yeah. Which made a massive difference because, you know, doing this journey on my own, I I I didn’t use that MCT because at the time, I was like, oh, I don’t wanna be around other couples who are all happy, clap about it. I was a bit reluctant on that. It was really nice to be amongst my friends and colleagues at work and be able to ask us questions. We were going on the same journey or or similar journey of pregnancy at same time.

Rebecca Candy [00:05:54]:

So that in itself has been that so apparent part became a lot less daunting.

Nicky Lowe [00:06:00]:

Absolutely.

Rebecca Candy [00:06:01]:

And, you know, and and Thomas decided to come early, a whole month early. So so that was a bit of a I didn’t have so much of the break before I thought I would be having to be, looking after a baby. And as a and as a solo parent, yeah, early days is it’s exhausting because there is no I didn’t know day from night. He was a month premature, so the feeding took a very long time. You know, he was really slow at feeding, so it was he had to be fed, like, every 2 hours, and he’d take an hour to feed. And then it’d take me an hour to pump any milk because he wasn’t able to really breastfeed very well, and, and I don’t remember getting much sleep in those early days at all. But there is that bubble, isn’t there, of maternity leave, of I could do things at my own pace, and that again again whilst it was tiring being on my own, Really tiring. I didn’t have to satisfy anyone else.

Rebecca Candy [00:06:55]:

It was just my bubble of of my baby and me. So it didn’t matter if I was awake in the night to Origin the Day. I I ate when I needed to eat, and I didn’t have to worry about anybody else. And, You know, there was definitely that advantage. I wasn’t having to cope with anybody else’s adjustment to becoming a parent. I could just find my own way with Thomas, and that was really, really helpful. Whilst I said earlier I didn’t join NCT is that I actually did join Gingerbread, which is a really brilliant charity that is based for single parents, so their parents gives you lots of support. That was a lot of where I found a, a lot of guidance on bits and pieces.

Rebecca Candy [00:07:33]:

And they used to have a a meet a local meetup with other single parents. So all the way through my maternity leave, yeah, that was really great. I was able to build, a bit of that community with other single solar parents going through that same journey. And and they obviously, they’re children with different ages, so I was right at the early stage, but you had that kind of hope of actually this is doable. This is what they’ve done, you know, that that general advice, and that really did support me through the maternity leave and certainly initially, to return to work.

Nicky Lowe [00:08:09]:

It’s really interesting insights from hearing kind of what you said. And I, I’m really hearing actually how important that support was how brilliant it was that you had it within your team, within your organisation. And I think this is often what organisations underestimate is that impact they can have on working parents, particularly at those early

Rebecca Candy [00:08:29]:

stages? Oh, it’s huge. It really is huge. And having those conversations. And I remember my very 1st day back in the office. You know, it was really it’s always traumatic, isn’t it? The 1st time you’re without your baby, you’ve put them into a child settings so I had I had a a a child mind to the, early days for for 3 days a week. I had to go back full time because I needed a full time salary to pay for all the bills, Which then also meant that childcare to pay for that as well on top. A a real strain. But I remember on my very first day, I suppose to a leader that, you know, our our head of our team.

Rebecca Candy [00:09:02]:

So he came around, and he sat next to me. I need to look, you know, Becky, anything you need, You just ask. You know? We are here to support you. You know? We’re here to flex around you. You just let us know what you need to do this. And knowing I had that support I mean, it’s very different knowing it and actually then doing it and asking for support, but that’s a that’s a whole that’s a whole different to June. But knowing I had it as a backup, that they had my back, it was really helpful to know that you had that support there. Yeah.

Rebecca Candy [00:09:32]:

I mean, it’s still as I yeah. As I say, sort of going back to of knowing that and then doing on it, it’s very different. It was still really difficult getting back, And the confidence levels were awful for me because I was so tired, and you just lose I found I lost my way as to What I was doing with the job, I was missing my son and trying to get your work head on. Again, after having been a mom for 10 months, It’s very different, and I think it took me 6 months before I felt like me again at work.

Nicky Lowe [00:10:02]:

Yeah. And I think that’s so powerful to reflect on that because that’s such a common experience. And we somehow think it’s just us that are experiencing that at the time. And, oh gosh, if only I could, you know, do this a bit better, but that’s such a common experience.

Rebecca Candy [00:10:17]:

It really is. And we hear that actually through the Working Parent Network when we we work with returning parents now, actually, that there is this gap of when they’re coming back. And you are changing yourself, but you’re a new you. You’re not the same person. I I know it calls it’s called returning, and it’s going back to work. But you’re not really going back in the same way. You are a new person.

Nicky Lowe [00:10:35]:

Absolutely.

Rebecca Candy [00:10:35]:

And it’s like starting all over again. And your priorities have changed and your your interests often have changed. Yeah. It’s it’s it was really hard getting back.

Nicky Lowe [00:10:44]:

There was a question I wanted to ask. When you were talking earlier, We’ve used both the terms of single and solo parent. And I just wondered, do you have a view on which is the right term or what circumstances you use those, or is it down to the individual?

Rebecca Candy [00:10:59]:

I don’t know. It’s funny with sing I use solo parent because I am the only parent. I am the only one who’s got parental responsibility. There is no contact with Thomas’s biological father. You know, there’s no parental responsibility there. It’s just me on the birth certificate. I get no financial assistance. So I view that as very, solo.

Rebecca Candy [00:11:21]:

To Totally Solar Parenting. Single parenting, it’s hard, isn’t it? Because then there’s you’ve you’ve got people who are co parenting Yep. And are separated. You can often have military families where it’s similar to single parenting and solo parenting, but I think the difference there because, you know, you don’t have that support there necessarily physically there Yeah. And in the relationship and doing the the practical stuff. But if there’s another financial input, there is a different there’s a different pressure there, isn’t there? Whereas I’m I’m fully financially responsible for Thomas and myself, And there is no other income coming in from that.

Nicky Lowe [00:12:00]:

And I think that’s really useful to reflect that. Thank you, Becky. That’s really helpful because what made me think of, and we both know Michael Rae, the solo dad, and I suppose his circumstances are very similar in that he was this solo kind of parent in in his daughter’s life. So and I think for people listening that might be people managers, just to recognize there are so many different nuances to this. And yeah. So I really appreciate you kind of clarifying kind of your the language you use and why you use that. You also spoke about the to the Working Families and Carers Network. So for those that don’t know, John Lewis Partnership is actually, has been kind of recognised nationally and probably internationally as well for the work that you’ve done in supporting parents.

Nicky Lowe [00:12:47]:

Can you share a little bit more about the network? What its purpose is? And actually what when your involvement came in your journey into it?

Rebecca Candy [00:12:55]:

Yeah. Sure. So the, the Working Parent Network, is one of 8, the 1st in inclusion networks that the, Jonas Partnership have, and they are they were set up to cover the protected characteristics of the Equality Act. And, yeah, I I suppose I was first aware of the broken parent network when I returned from maternity leave. I don’t think we had it beforehand, But it’s one of those things. If you’re not a parent, you’re not aware of these things until you, you you know, you have the need. And we see that now. Actually, people don’t know within the partnership that we have this Often until they become a parent themselves and they go, oh my goodness.

Rebecca Candy [00:13:31]:

I never knew we had. It was for me, actually, as I saw, it had been I think there’s somebody in my team who was involved with it when I returned from work. And I was almost looking for that work replacement for the community And support I’d had through the gingerbread groups Yeah. While I’ve been on maternity leave. Because I see I was returning to work, and I know I wanted to know actually, at John Lewis. From a practical point, how on earth do you work full time plus, b, you know, I’m a full time parent. How do you do that? And, you know, and the childcare costs and then later on when children aren’t sort of in nursery and they’re going to school and you’ve got to school holidays because, you know, the maths don’t add up. There’s 13 weeks of school holidays.

Rebecca Candy [00:14:14]:

And, I mean, I’m lucky at John Lewis. I get 6 weeks because of how long I’ve been there. And, also, I can buy an extra week. So, you know, I can get 7 weeks annual leave covered, but there’s still there’s still a deficit, however you need the maths. You know, it’s it’s well, how do you manage that? What what on earth do you do with your child when you have to go to work? And back then, it’s just pre COVID. So, you know, I was working in the office most of the time. You know, it’s 5 I was working 5 days. I managed to Agreed to have 2 days working from home, but, you know, even then, there was there was a lot covered.

Rebecca Candy [00:14:47]:

So I joined the Working Parent Network just as a an interested party to say, actually, You know, how can I connect with other single parents, solo parents within the partnership just to find out from that bit and start to it was more for that selfish bit of, you know, how how can they help me? How can I connect? But me being me, early days, you know, I connect with that person and thought, actually, they’re you know, it’s still in the the really early days of the network, I think, because it was just using a, like, a Google platform, A bit like a Facebook platform where it’s, you know, a site where you could post something, and there wasn’t a huge amount of activity. There was only a few members in there. I don’t know. Maybe 200 or so people who’d signed up to be part of that, online piece. But, you know, I started talking to the committee, and within a few months, I was on the committee, and and this was 2016, I’d returned to work. So April 2016, And by January 2017, I was coleading. Yeah. And I don’t quite know how I ended up in that space.

Rebecca Candy [00:15:47]:

Although I can actually remember the key moment of The lady who had been coleading Sarah, brilliant, but she was on, Jonas do this wonderful thing like Golden Jubilee. Trust me, you can have a secondment for months in working with charity, and, you know, John Lewis pay for you to do that. Yeah. Brilliant scheme. So Sarah Hood was on a Golden Jubilee Trust doing some work, so she needed some of the committee members to step up and lead the committee. And so they had them as pairs, and know, they were covering a couple of months each, and I was the myself and this other lady were the last pair standing. And then when Sarah got back from her jubilee. She’s actually you know, there’s lots of work.

Rebecca Candy [00:16:26]:

They were going through transformation as well, so she didn’t come back to lead. So I was just sort of Left there. Left there was happy. And I and and ironically, I think it was you know, when I said it took me 6 months or so before I felt normal at work, well, I’d I’d taken advantage of our partnership coaching scheme. And I’d worked with this wonderful coach called Preti, and where I was feeling my low ebb. And And through that coaching remarkable thing, she just gave me confidence, or she helped me find my own confidence and the things that hold me back. And that Kind of gave me that confidence to step into that space if we’ll actually if you want these things to happen for yourself partly, initially, selfishly.

Nicky Lowe [00:17:06]:

Yeah. Yeah.

Rebecca Candy [00:17:06]:

You need to be there to make sure it happens. So, yeah, from January 2017, I was volunteering to cover the for about a month And 7 years. Is it 7 years? 6 years? Again, my maths. I’m still there coleading, and I’ve had different co leads along that way. But what I I I think what I initially did was I brought all that energy of, like, well, what are we doing for this and what are we doing for that? And I remember the initial thing that I set up and it was more a brain dump for me, actually. We set up, like, a bit of a a hub of me putting all these this research that I had done when I knew I was gonna be a solo parent into It was like a Google site. Wonderful. Links to different charities sharing some people who’d set shared their stories, stuff that I’d found really useful.

Rebecca Candy [00:17:51]:

I just started when Tom was in bed. I mean, I was a solo parent. I had nothing else to do once he’d gone to bed, and I was just putting it in this place. I thought, well, if I’m gonna share it anywhere, Let’s put it in a site that other people can access the same things I’m learning and keep building. And the early days, we set up or invited people to Self create a buddy scheme.

Nicky Lowe [00:18:13]:

Brilliant.

Rebecca Candy [00:18:13]:

Because I valued, you know, like, when I said that when I’d come back to work or even before I’d gone off, there were five women in my team who were also, expecting a baby. And, you know, my line manager at the time, Adam, he was superb again. I think he’d had a baby just about the year before. His wife had had a baby and, that buddy scheme of well, this is that support and that talking to somebody and sharing was so valuable for me that I thought, actually, let’s start setting up a directory of buddies of, you know, if you all return to work and having that really tough time Or, or you’re a solo parent or you’re going through fertility treatment, for example, you can talk to somebody else who’s been in those shoes. I mean, obviously, everyone’s experience is unique, but you you’ve got similarities, haven’t you, and pointers and signposting and just talking to somebody who gets you, who sees you. And so, yeah, one of our early initiatives was just inviting out on this community, you know, here’s a buddy profile. This is what I’ve written as a solo parent. And if anyone else is a solo single parent, solo parent, and wants to chat to me about what I’ve learned and where I’m on my journey, get in touch.

Rebecca Candy [00:19:21]:

And we then got people saying, yeah. I’d love this. This is really you know, I’d love to be involved. And over the years, I think we’ve got over 70 people across our partnership who are buddies, but the plethora of experience. And it started off with just a few topics of, you know, child, teenager, you know, solo parent, maybe fertility, a bit of return to work, a bit of flexibility, but then it grew into Mental health for adults, mental health for children, special, you know, special educational needs, bereavement, you know, the list. I think we’ve got about 30 or 35 categories now of different experiences, and then people tick the ones that are relevant for them, LGBTQ families. I mean, the list is endless. And it means you’ve got this real support network there who were just open to say, yeah, contact me.

Rebecca Candy [00:20:14]:

And it also means us as a network, we can tap into our buddies, say, actually, yeah, we’re doing something on bereavement. For example, you know, Can we share your names? Can we you know, these bits, can we share some of those stories just to try and highlight that? So, yeah, the working parent network, as I say, started off really small, But then grew legs and arms and, yeah, just those we catch it local at first because I was a head office partner in London. I could only arrange physical events that were local to me.

Nicky Lowe [00:20:42]:

Yeah.

Rebecca Candy [00:20:43]:

And I think that is where we started to shift with lovely Leanne, who is my co lead now and has been for about the last 3 or so years. She’s based up in Scotland, and she joined the committee doing really dynamic I’m thinking, actually, yes. I can see all these wonderful events Becky is arranging down in London. I want to do some for, you know, for Scotland, for our for our contact centers up there. And she started to, you know, do matching stuff up there. And then in 2020, that became the opportunity where whereby the colleague that I had been working with was leaving the business, and I sort of I basically said to Leanne, I need you to be my colleague. You are doing this most dynamic stuff. You know, this is exactly replicating what we need.

Rebecca Candy [00:21:27]:

You know, I love your energy, and I can really bounce off you. And at that same point in time, obviously, we were in, COVID lockdown. Yeah. The world changed for us. And in fact, I abandoned Leanne. She took on the reins, and then I was furloughed so I couldn’t be involved for about 2 months. So she was alone. I said literally gave it over.

Rebecca Candy [00:21:46]:

It’s back tears in the fire. Here’s a there you go. Off you go. But in that fact, it changed the world for us in terms of where we are now with our Work is because the well, globally and certainly now, you know, organizations really had to embrace remote working in a way that they Never really had invested in before to continue with the business. And, I mean, Jonas were remarkable at doing that. They did it virtually overnight. The technology. I remember I used to work from home a couple of days a week, but actually I’ve I’ve, you know, you’re then working from home all the time.

Rebecca Candy [00:22:21]:

But using Zoom and Google Meet and those other platforms suddenly opened up our access to all the different areas all the many different areas of our business. Yeah. So instead of just being that in person event, we were able to run, and initially, we were forced to run Our events or any guest speaker bits that we were doing on particular topics virtually. So people who are working from home We’re able to log on, and suddenly we were growing our network into lots of different areas. We are still head office, and I suppose those who are admins of office type of work heavy because our partners who work on the shop floor or are in What operational areas aren’t sitting there in front of a computer Yeah. All day every day? It is harder to reach them, but we do do we do still reach them, but we are Still trying to work out how how we bring them into the fold, but because of that, we then were able to grow the support and the need, and we could really hear hear from our partners A broader message about what they needed to hear. And that’s then what shaped a lot of the guest speaker events that we’ve run over the past few years Because you’re really listening to, okay, bullying’s really come up in conversation or, you know, during lockdown, it was anxiety and balancing, to No. Especially, like, it’s, you know, scobbling.

Rebecca Candy [00:23:41]:

I mean, that still horrifies me back then. I I I can’t go there immediately. I can’t go there initially. But even having said that, yeah, out of that came we we started what we now know as our peer support groups. But we we started off with a frazzled session, so we did, like, an online hour. I’m trying to remember. I think it was weekly at that point, certainly over that winter lockdown, the 2nd lockdown that we had over the wintertime where we would just be available for an hour for parents just to log on who were feeling frazzled I just needed to let off steam, mostly over homeschooling or stress or anything else. And it suddenly got that idea of, actually, this is really working.

Rebecca Candy [00:24:22]:

Welcome. You’re connecting and you’re after the hour of us joking or laughing or just being compassionate with each other about the stress or whatever it was, you felt so much lighter from that that problem shared. I think that’s what I’m saying. Is that problem shared? Is it problem halved? Yeah. We really then started to grow our peer support group. And I would say that is probably the bit that I mean, I think Lianne and I, I would both agree on that. It’s the bit we love the most And we feel it’s the most powerful because we’re really talking and really connecting with individuals. Love that.

Rebecca Candy [00:24:54]:

And we run 10 different ones now over different topics. So I run the solo parenting group. We we meet monthly, but in between that, we have, like, a a group chat. So anyone can post anything up on a group chat if they’ve got a question Or or they just need some support because they’re having a tough day. But monthly, we have a a virtual hour where we just, you know, catch up with each other and, you know, see how how we’re all doing. We’ve got ones for fertility treatment, for pregnancy and baby loss, for we’ve got a dad club, which is Wonderful. Run by our dads. Women are not allowed.

Rebecca Candy [00:25:28]:

There is one for returning parents, one for expectant parents and new parents, One for oh, I’m trying to think oh, teenagers. The one that that’s the one Lena. Leanne runs because her although she’s got a teenager now, but it was that Transition to secondary school, she she needed the support so she said, selfishly, I set up a group so that I could get advice, But that has continued to run now and it’s a really great space of that transitional parenting, as your child is Moving through their childhood to sort of teenager and teenage years, and all that that brings. We’ve got an LGBT one, so sort of our rainbow families Monthly group, and we also run a weekly support group for carers. So those who might not be parents, it’s just sort of like a subset of ours, But they could be caring for their parents or for other, significant friends, relatives, and they need that same support with each other. And we run that one weekly because the stresses and strains on carers. We were gonna originally run that monthly, and we just all know they needed that they needed a touch point every week to Dipping With Each Other because of that stress and anxiety, and you’re dealing with illness and potentially bereavement. But, yeah, it’s such a powerful thing, and it’s really helped Leanne and I shape what we are hearing from those groups.

Rebecca Candy [00:26:47]:

And Then we shape our year ahead as to, like, what where do we want to dive into? We did a wonderful session with, Zoe Clark Coates on, bereavement, family bereavement. It was 90 minutes. Really powerful, really emotional session. Zoe is just amazing. It’s very, very special lady, very special lady. But We’ve seen some feedback from that about how people were just connecting with their grief and what you know, where they’ve hidden, but also how you can support Your own family, your children, your colleagues who are going through grief, it was such a big wide topic and I think we had over 30 people on the call. You know, pregnancy loss. This is where I think John Lewis is at its best that we have this.

Rebecca Candy [00:27:35]:

We have this to support that is whole person.

Nicky Lowe [00:27:38]:

Well, I’ve actually written down on my notes, Becky, that whole piece about each of those unique or what you feel like you’re the only person going through it experiences to be able to bring your whole self to work and feel like that whole person is, belongs and is recognized and supported. It is huge. And it’s no wonder you’ve won all the awards that you have for this because I know that there are so many organisations that are going on this journey as well. And to be able to see what you’ve done over that time. You know, I was reflecting that you said about that coaching that you had that really connected you to your own personal power as you return to work and what you’ve done with that and the ripple effects of it. They’re just huge. So just, you know, I know it’s not just you and there’s a team and, and it’s but the fact that you’re the energy that you’ve put into this to make it what it is, is just Phenomenal, so thank you.

Rebecca Candy [00:28:37]:

Oh, thank you. Thank you. And it it is. It’s the passion of all of all of us, actually. And and I think it’s because we we just want it to be right for everyone else. You know, you go through tough times yourself, and you think, oh, you know what? I need to give some of that back Because you know that those are the people and the things that mattered for you. Yeah. And we are so lucky.

Rebecca Candy [00:28:55]:

We’ve got I mean, Leanne is just my absolute work wife, and we’ve only met twice. Three times probably now actually face to face. So it was the most marvelous sense of, you know, biggest hug ever, you know, when we actually met face to face. But, you know, we’re opposite ends of the country. In fact, she’s quite literally in a different country in Scotland, but we really connect. We work really, really well together. It’s like a proper job share, and we just We just connect and think very similarly, but alongside us, we’ve got the most amazing committee, and that’s it when you’re setting up that network. It has been a long road, and it hasn’t or it really hasn’t been easy.

Rebecca Candy [00:29:30]:

And what you’re seeing now is all of those Trial and errors and not getting necessarily the right people into the committee, you know, I mean, people always have the right, The best intentions. And as parents, you know, we always we always try and take on more than we can actually do. You know? And there were people who say, yeah. Yeah. I really want to be part of the committee. I want to give something But then the reality of their life, their work, which is full time, you know, your your family commitments, and then doing something that’s on top of that, You know, despite best intentions, it’s just not possible. But we have managed to, I suppose, head home. We sort of We we’d see people who would would have that same sort of energy and would be posting on our community or driving a certain topic.

Rebecca Candy [00:30:15]:

And I think we now have about 17 maybe or 20 people within our committee. Wow. But that is how we can run these peer support groups because I run the solo on because that’s my lived experience, you know. And whilst I’ve got other elements, we then have a great team of, about 5 or 6 partners who have lived experience of the, like, pregnancy and baby loss and infant loss, and they They host that. In fact, they they work and do all the, we’ll be doing a lot of activity for baby loss awareness week or, you know, it’s baby loss awareness month actually, but, hence, That’s why we started off with our session, on Wednesday this week. It’s it’s sort of leading into that. We have these subsets within our committee who also build these different areas for us, And we all come together monthly, and we have a chat. We’ve got, a wonderful exec sponsors of Lisa who’s actually on the board.

Rebecca Candy [00:31:06]:

So all of our networks have a an exec sponsor, And so she comes to our meeting.

Nicky Lowe [00:31:11]:

Each of the individual ones or the overall kind of network has it?

Rebecca Candy [00:31:16]:

No. No. So each Each of our networks, they have a member of our executive of our board who are part of our our work, a part of the network. So our chairmans of show Dave Sharon, she is the executive sponsor of the Faith and Belief Network. You know, we’ve got Lisa who actually is our our people executive. She’s our one. I mean, she’s she’s a parent. So it’s we’ve got that synergy between so each of those board members are sponsoring one of the g and I networks, And that allow allows us to not just do the support factor.

Rebecca Candy [00:31:51]:

So we’ve talked about the peer support groups and the buddying and that community and everything, But, actually, we make a difference, and we can influence the business. And, you know, the I think it’s actually I’m try I’m losing track of the years now. I think it’s 2 years ago now that we, yes, that we introduced our equal parenthood, but that had taken welcome. Quite a few years beforehand and some business cases that never went anywhere and, you know, other things got in the way of The Working Point Network sort of talking to our community and getting that feeling around, you know, what did our partners feel about paternity leave? Were they taking advantage of shared Parental leave. And why was it not working? What were the barriers? You know? What were our dads or co parents feeling when They had to return to work after 2 weeks leave, particularly if there was a premature baby and, you know, their baby may well still be in hospital and, you know, all the guilt, all the feeling, all the tiredness, the productivity. So we were able to collect that data by talking to people and share that into our business case and work alongside our business team also our our policy team and helped shape what that business case needed to look like. And at the time, actually, Andrew was our exec sponsor. He’s just recently, Left the partnership business, but he he was able to support from that executive view.

Rebecca Candy [00:33:11]:

Well, if you’re getting this business case through, these are things that you need to put forward. He was able to have that discussion about the need for this, morally for our business, Where we want to be as a business and who we are as a business of being different and being really serious about reducing our gender pay gap. Yeah. This was the thing that would unlock it, and he’d he was having those conversations with the board members. So having that exec sponsor is really, really key.

Nicky Lowe [00:33:40]:

Absolutely. And, you know, it just speaks volumes because so many organizations try and put these, networks in place without exec sponsorship and at Impact. You know, they’re having an impact, but the impact could be even more profound when you’ve got that top level support of it. And you alluded to there about the equal kind of parenting approach, and you’ve been trailblazing in this in this area. For those that don’t know, would you mind just kinda giving us an overview of what some of those policies and procedures that you now have in place to support to the Parent.

Rebecca Candy [00:34:13]:

So in terms of our equal parenthood that, I mean, that is such a travel agent, although we’re not we’re not the 1st organization to do this. There were, you know, brilliant organizations like O2 and Aviva and probably many many more who were also doing it, but we were the 1st retailer to go live with it. And it was trailblazing. And to be fair, we’d always hoped that we’d get equal parenthood, but we weren’t sure we would because it, I mean, it is It is financially it’s, you know, it’s a it’s a massive cost to the business to do that, but it is the right thing to do. And so what we it what we offer is for that co parent, and this could be same sex relationships too, is that they get exactly the same As a maternity. So it’s 6 months fully paid and yeah. So it’s it’s just it’s phenomenal for our partners, returning to work to really embrace their parenthood. You know, we’ve had some great results that are from From our dads and co parents who have been able to take advantage of this, of how differently they feel returning to work and and supporting family and bonding with their children.

Rebecca Candy [00:35:20]:

Their relationships with their children are so much stronger. I mean, we’ve We’ve got 1 dad in our business who his eldest son, you know, it was before we had this in, and, you know, he had to return to work much sooner. But then his younger son, he was able to take, you know, take advantage of the, the policy, and he says that that complete difference Oh, how much more involved and that early nurturing and supporting his his wife through it is, you know, it’s made the world a difference to him. And so, yes, we, yeah, we we have that, and it’s it’s marvelous, and more retailers should do it. It does cost, so you have to business plan for it. But If you want to be ethical and a parent is a parent and stop dividing between perceived gender or first parent to Second Parent. You know, ultimately, we’re parents, and, you know, it shouldn’t be it’s not daddy daycare or anything. They are they are parents, And that that’s their responsibility, and give them that time to be responsible and the support In order to do that, you know, we we find that actually that then when they return to work, they’re they’re wanting differently.

Rebecca Candy [00:36:31]:

They want to think differently, and It’s it’s that real sort of culture shift we’re starting to move around dads talking, and this is, you know, where we have our our, to our monthly dad’s club. You know, we are really starting to see the voices of dads coming through more so over these past 2 years. They’ve got a voice. They’ve got they’ve got more ownership of themselves and of of their families, which is brilliant to see. You know, we’ve run some wonderful events and, you know, focusing on like that because, obviously, our our some of our dads, They are the trailblazers for this. And, you know, they get the same return to work wobbles of, like, you know, well, I want flexible working. What’s it gonna feel like? How is this gonna impact my future career prospects? And, You know, what if, you know, I need to go and do the pickup from school, because that’s what I want to do, or I want to be home to to do these things or share that load is I experienced some of the same worries and concerns.

Nicky Lowe [00:37:21]:

Well, it’s the where we first met actually, Becky, wasn’t it? It was at the Working Dads Awards in London that, Elliot Ray with hosting. And that was all about how do we create equality in the home through doing equal parenting so we can have equality in the workplace. And as you say, making that culture shift, just making sure that it’s not the motherhood penalty then just becomes the fatherhood forfeit and really making that culture shift.

Rebecca Candy [00:37:48]:

Yeah. And it’s it’s just parenting and, yeah, it’s it’s huge. And it it really does help. That early journey, if you get right at the early start, that changes everything. Yeah. And, you know, I don’t think we’ll know where that is. But if that changes, Dads being able to be more involved and have better, stronger relationships with their children. And that’s huge.

Rebecca Candy [00:38:09]:

That’s only gonna be a a benefit to the children, isn’t it, and future generations. And, you know, those children then growing up, you know, what what they want to give. So, you know, this is this is Definitely a positive a positive start on that. So, yeah, brilliant policy and I’m so proud of the partnership getting it in. Yeah.

Nicky Lowe [00:38:28]:

I can only imagine because- and, and the sense of, yeah, pride of working for an organisation like that. So if there was something you wanna say to any organisation or line manager who might be listening to this podcast going, actually, we wanna do more. And I particularly want to know about supporting solo parents and single parents. What might they need to know? What might they need to be more aware of to support effectively? Because I have clients that I’d have in coaching sessions where they’re single moms and they can see that their line managers trying to do stuff with all good intention. But because they haven’t got the insights into what it’s actually like, those intentions kind of tend to fall a bit in an unhelpful way. So what what could you share about any organizational line manager that might be listening about how best to support solo parents.

Rebecca Candy [00:39:22]:

Oh, gosh. Yes. I mean, it’s a tough one because, I mean, parenting, full stop, is tough, isn’t it? Yeah. It is really tough. And, you know, I think you can say to parents anywhere flexibility is key, compassion, understanding, anyway. I think for standard parenting, you know, if it is if that burden is I mean, it’s a joy as well, isn’t it? But if that that full responsibility is laying on 1 person, yeah, That is huge. And often that need for flexibility could be could well be greater, and it’s thinking creatively around that one. So, for example, you know, me working from home in fact, I work from home most of the time now.

Rebecca Candy [00:39:59]:

I I prefer working from home, not just because it’s easier than We’ll get onto that anyway about with my, sort of the the neurodiversity aspect. I prefer this environment to work, but actually Being able to manage, drop off, and not have to put my son in wraparound care around particularly now he’s in school, The cost of childcare and even wraparound care. So you think, okay. They’re not in nursery. But when I was commuting into London, into the office, I’d have to put my son into breakfast club, so that was, you know, 6, £7. And then in after after school club, which is about £15, that on a daily basis, £20 per day plus your commute, you know, you’re you’re like, oh my goodness. And as a solo parent, that’s my only wage coming in, and I’ve got my mortgage. And because, you know, it’s there’s a financial burden on a solo parent or a single parent, because, naturally, even if you’ve got co parenting going on, they’re still probably trying to run 2 households.

Rebecca Candy [00:40:55]:

Yeah. Yeah. You know, there’s double the expenses, aren’t they? You know, they’re not they’re not pooling their resources in a relationship together in the 1 house. They’re probably trying to run 2 households with with, you know, double the bills and stuff. So when there is parenting, the financial burden, so ability to work around somebody so they can make that balance work because it’s the you know, you hear of the mother lode and the father load. And, you know, share share the load with your partners, you know, and so well, yeah. It’d be lovely to have a partner to share that with. You know, I’ve got to do All of it.

Rebecca Candy [00:41:27]:

I’ve got to do all the thinking, all the planning. I’ve got all the love, but I’ve got all the meltdowns. I’ve got all those decision making and the disturbed nights, all the illnesses. You know? It’s it’s everything, and I think it is that, And it might just be me, but asking for help. So that that was that difference between knowing there there was a support and just say, oh, yeah. Just let me know what you need. You you you don’t want to see as or be seen as not coping. And so I think there’s an awareness of is burnout coming for that person? Are they Really coping.

Rebecca Candy [00:42:03]:

So as you know, how are you, you know, how are you, really? Yeah. How are you, really, really? You know? What are you doing to support yourself? Because, you know, because I’ll try and find some for yourself. And that actually for me is, like, yeah. That would be lovely. When when do I squeeze that time? But I haven’t asked for the help that I needed because you I just you know, an interest I had a resilience course that I was on yesterday, and it made me think, you know, that I’ve been treading water and, you know, often waving or maybe I’m drowning, not waving and not asking for that support or Wanting to be dependent on anybody, so there is a bit of a bit of my history of because I’ve had to do it on my own, I didn’t want to be dependent on anybody. It’s still hard to ask for that help. I’m having to ask now because there there have been times I’ve been on to burnout. And if you’re burnt out, you you can’t provide for anybody, let alone yourself or your child.

Nicky Lowe [00:43:00]:

I think that’s so powerful.

Rebecca Candy [00:43:02]:

So that I’d say is the watch out is, Yeah. Give the flexibility. Give that time, but really watch. Be really mindful that they might not be telling you quite how tough it is.

Nicky Lowe [00:43:13]:

And I think from my own experience of burnout and then kind of coaching so many people as, as working parents, recognising as line managers, you can say, I’m here to help. What do you need me to do to help? But sometimes people don’t even know what they need because they haven’t they’re so on the treadmill. And then even when they identify that need, as you say, they might not be able to give themselves permission to ask for what they need.

Rebecca Candy [00:43:39]:

No. Permission is such a big word. Yeah. Yeah.

Nicky Lowe [00:43:42]:

Proactively go, look, I think this might help. If I was to do this for you, would that be helpful? And you know, perhaps suggesting some things to get that conversation going. Yeah.

Rebecca Candy [00:43:55]:

And it might and it is sometimes taking that load off you. So, you know, welcome. My I’ve had one of the the supply managers that, you know, I’ve had. She’d she’d also say, like, you know, Becks, come on now. Right. I will do this, and you take the rest of the afternoon off. You know, you go and get your rest. You’re really tired.

Rebecca Candy [00:44:13]:

And and there was a time because I always, I mean, I always felt exhausted. I I I remember once turning up to the office here, I was ill. I had a high temperature, I hadn’t realized I was ill because I was so used to feeling awful. I wasn’t I was no longer aware of when when the difference is, you know, you’re actually You’ve you’ve got tonsillitis or whatever it is. You know? You’re not it’s not just your normal awful. I’m so used to it, and I’ve become immune to it. And it was you know, they went, no. You are home.

Rebecca Candy [00:44:43]:

And I do not want to see you back till the rest of this week, you know, or actually, you do all this extra time, and I will pick this up or we’ll take these bits off and then you have a rest. And and I’m lucky I’m in an organization who do look out for people, and when the chips are down, they do that is when you really see the power of the partnership, or at least that’s to when I have experienced it.

Nicky Lowe [00:45:04]:

Oh, that just gives me goosebumps. That’s what you want. That is, like, the ultimate in terms of an organization that they are doing that. And again, I think you’re speaking to this parent experience of so many parents that are kind of on the treadmill, but I think if you’re a single or solo parent, like it’s relentless, isn’t it? You are not getting that break. So you almost have to go into survival mode when it feels difficult, when you’re tired and you disconnect from your body to kind of get through it. And I think, again, my experience of if you’ve got people that are high achievers, that are high drive, high conscientiousness, people pleasers, difficulty saying no, Those are the people you’ve really got to look out for because they, they’re used to pushing past their limits. And when they do it and it’s working, it can seem like, wow. They’re so successful, but those are the ones that can slip into that exhaustion funnel and get spat out the other upside with burnout.

Rebecca Candy [00:45:59]:

Yeah. Spot on. Absolutely spot on.

Nicky Lowe [00:46:01]:

To those really useful insights, so thank you. And you alluded to there, you talked about the neurodiversity. And I know you said you’d be willing to kinda share the journey that you’re on. So would you mind kind of giving some insights into this because I think there might be other people listening that will start to go, oh, I can relate to that. So Do you mind sharing a bit about the journey that you’re on?

Rebecca Candy [00:46:21]:

Yeah. Absolutely. So I suppose my my big awakening is I mean, COVID lockdown has got a lot to answer for that’s, you know, there were some real tough times, but there was also some it afforded me time to Reflect differently on sort of and see things differently. That being at home all the time, that initial lockdown, you know, you have lots of time to be and can be aware. But I remember working from home. And when I suppose that was a big thing was that I suddenly felt relief, Not just happy to be working from home despite all the COVID and all the scary stuff that was going on, I felt utterly relieved to not be going into the office. And being around people, no. I love pea I love people.

Rebecca Candy [00:47:05]:

And I remember I was working with a coach at the time, and I said, you know, it’s so much nicer Being on a remote meeting because I have that barrier, and I don’t have to deal with people in the moment if I’m not ready. And if I’m Hyper focusing. You know, I mean, I can use the language now because I now know what it is. But if I’m hyper focusing focusing, I I don’t want that. Just, you know, it throws me off or other bits and pieces. And it was through observing, actually, my son and how he was reacting and not Not coping well with online learning, and I was seeing how he was learning and processing. And I was, you know, doing lots to Googling. You know, is he autistic? You know what’s going on? Is what’s what’s ADHD? And as I was doing more research, like, oh, oh, Oh, that that sounds like me.

Rebecca Candy [00:47:55]:

And and there was a couple of programs on TV. I think there was the Christy McGinnis one about, her late diagnosis of autism of herself, and how women and girls present autism very differently to how you perceive autism to be, which is based on, you know, The stereotypical boys who, you know Yeah. Are autistic and, you know, have certain characteristics or traits. And I think it was, I’ve forgotten her surname, but it’s Mel who was with Des and Mel. And I believe you’re fine. She also, Yes. That’s it. And she’d also said she was and then suddenly, like, the the triggers are going, okay.

Rebecca Candy [00:48:39]:

What about women with autism? And, But I’ve struggled throughout my whole life with reoccurring depression, with imposter syndrome, with Actually, I had hearing tests at some point because I thought I can’t understand what people are saying. I’d hate I mean, this is interesting. We’re doing a podcast now, and we can’t see each other, I used to hate phone calls. I used to dread phone calls because auditory processing for me and converting that as to what I’m hearing, To what I’m understanding to then respond used to cause me a lot well, it still does cause me a lot of anxiety. But I thought I was maybe deaf, you know, working in an open plan office, but no had hearing test. Your hearing’s absolutely fine. And I always felt Off or thinking differently or I’d get feedback of, oh, you’re really quite blunt or you interrupt people or, Or, you know, lots and lots of stuff that you think, oh, this is me, and that impost it just fed this beast of I just feel different, and I don’t know what it is, and I had no label for it or no a real understanding. You just start to think, oh, it I think very differently to how other people are thinking this room, so it must be me who’s wrong because I couldn’t often articulate to them what I was thinking that was different.

Nicky Lowe [00:49:56]:

Yeah.

Rebecca Candy [00:49:57]:

And vice versa. I couldn’t get on board. So, yeah, I I went, filled out one of these online questionnaires, and it said, oh, yeah. Highly likely that you are Autistic. Certain, you know, certain spikes are obviously coming out. And I and I, you know, I thought the same about my son. I thought, do you know what? If I’m going to to the journey for him because at the time he was of year 1. So he was quite young.

Rebecca Candy [00:50:18]:

He was at 6, and it was only those traits. If I’m ever gonna start the journey for him, actually, let’s start the journey for me to see, you know, am I actually diagnosed? Because if I am autistic, it is probably highly likely that he also will have have that as as part of him too, and it would just help me process and understand him more and how to help him. So, yeah, I I went I I had the phone call with the GP, and, again, they asked the questions because I I being a standard parent and financially, I couldn’t go private on this. So I have I have to go the NHS route. And being sort of COVID years, I mean, everything is really delayed anyway from that. Yes. So phoned up the GP, had that phone call. They obviously have some set questions, but I had, yeah, really great experience with her.

Rebecca Candy [00:51:03]:

She She understood. I I wasn’t ever made to feel daft or stupid from it. They referred me to the more local mental health Unit who then had an hour conversation where they were asking me lots of other questions. That was hard, actually. That one was quite settings. They dived a little bit deeper, and I suppose it was that unresolved stuff that you have that probably caused depression and imposter syndrome in the past. But, again, yes, they said, yep. You’ve got enough indicators here.

Rebecca Candy [00:51:33]:

Here’s the questionnaire. I’ll send it through the post. And, ironically, it’s the same questionnaire that I filled out online that I an instant reply. But being being the wonderful I mean, NHS and how it is at the moment, I had to fill that in my paper post of it took them 4 months to mark my homework, but then I’ve now you know, I had that letter. It was, I I forget what year. It’s a couple of years ago now to say it. There’s a 42 week sorry. 42 month waiting list.

Rebecca Candy [00:52:02]:

Wow. So So I’ve I’ve got as far as I can at this point. So at some point, I will probably have a full assessment to actually get a diagnosis. But in that meantime, And as an adult on a diagnosis, to be fair, you’re not, for autism particularly, there is no medical. You’re just wired that way. There’s no medical intervention. So, actually, diagnosis is is probably neither here nor there in terms of that because you still can get access to work. You can still get reasonable adjustments at work.

Rebecca Candy [00:52:37]:

You can just still do your own research about, actually, what do I need? What cat how can I articulate what my spikes to? So what

Nicky Lowe [00:52:44]:

have you learned about that? What what kind of perhaps inventions have you put in place yourself that are supporting you?

Rebecca Candy [00:52:51]:

So, I I mean, initially, to say, it was that conversation with my line manager and really talking about actually working from home really works for me. It stops that sensory overload, and I am far more happy, far more relaxed. I actually went that’s when I went through that burnout, that absolute burnout of Discovering This and Thinking About It, communication differences. So there’s lots of great experts. So, you know, I’ve read loads of lovely books, doctor Luke Bearden, Jo Butler with her, you know, R U Clearbook, you know, the sort of guide to effective communication, basically, in that sort of neurodiverse world. It’s how I’m almost having to educate myself on what I need to ask for.

Nicky Lowe [00:53:33]:

Yeah.

Rebecca Candy [00:53:33]:

The fact that I’ve identified it’s the auditory processing. What things do I need? You know? I now because I’m a change manager, I go from project to project. It’s that that contracting in. I don’t I don’t upset people. When I’m not meeting someone for 1st time, it’s like, you know, I am autistic. I do communicate in a really blunt way, potentially, opinion, but in a really direct way and an honest way. So if you ask me a question, you will get an honest answer. I hope you won’t be offended.

Rebecca Candy [00:54:01]:

It’s coming from a good place. If it’s a you know, it’s just that contracting in and saying, this is where I’m at this is how I communicate. And it stopped having that that I’ve not offended people because they’re like, oh, okay. Well, maybe she was a bit direct, and I might not have liked to receive it that way. But, hey. It’s where it is, and it’s just opened that dialogue. And I no longer I do not have imposter syndrome. That that went.

Rebecca Candy [00:54:23]:

That actually went because I own myself. Yeah. I own myself now.

Nicky Lowe [00:54:27]:

But also the trust that that builds in relationships. There’s a trust equation that talks about trust is reliability plus credibility plus intimacy. And it’s divided by self interest, but the intimacy piece is really interesting. It’s not a word we tend to use in business, but It’s how much we let ourselves be known. And sharing that, actually bringing people into your world automatically builds trust and respect and has so much power over interaction. So, you know, I know the reason you’re doing it is actually to to to ease the relationship from a a communication, but the fundamental trust respect that that sits underneath. That is huge.

Rebecca Candy [00:55:04]:

It is huge. Yeah. And it’s been I just feel relieved, and it just it then I looked, you know, you look oh my goodness. That’s what it was. That on that occasion, that’s what it was. You know? You start to see All the cycles that ended up with depression or burnout because I was masking what my difficulties were because it I didn’t either I didn’t understand them or they just didn’t fit with the world that I saw around me, and therefore I tried to make myself fit, that people pleasing aspect, to what I thought others needed to see or wanted to see, but that wasn’t me.

Nicky Lowe [00:55:39]:

Thank you for sharing that, Becca, because I know that was the intent for the topic of this, but I think it’s such an important part of the journey that you’ve been on. And I have no doubt you sharing that somebody listening will go, I can relate to a lot of that. So I really appreciate it. And what I’ll do is you’ve mentioned a number of organisations and books. And I’ve made a note of those and we’ll put those in the show notes. So like Gingerbread and, you know, Are You Clear book and all of those things I’ll put in the show notes for people. So thank you. This has been such brilliant conversation.

Nicky Lowe [00:56:13]:

I really appreciate you sharing insights into your journey as a solo parent through the work that you’re doing at John Lewis Partnership and your neurodiversity journey. So if people wanted to connect with you and kind of just to learn more about what you you do. Where would you point them towards?

Rebecca Candy [00:56:30]:

I would say just LinkedIn is, is the main place. Yeah. I’m Candy, Change Manager at John Lewis Partnership on LinkedIn so I can be found there.

Nicky Lowe [00:56:39]:

Brilliant. And I’ll put that link into to the show notes. Thank you, Becky. I really appreciate you joining me, particularly when you’ve got a bit of a cold. So, no, no. Auditory processing isn’t your preferred. So, yeah, even more keen

Rebecca Candy [00:56:54]:

to see you. Thank you. It’s been lovely to speak to you. Thank you, Nicola, for inviting me.

Nicky Lowe [00:57:03]:

If you’ve enjoyed this episode of Wisdom For Working Mums, please share it on social media and with your friends and family. I’d love to connect with you too. So if you head over to wisdom for working moms.co.uk, you’ll find a link on how to do this. And if you love show, I really want to support it, please go to iTunes, write a review, and subscribe. You’ll be helping another working mum find this resource to thanks so much for listening.

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