Nicky Lowe [00:00:07]:

Hi. I’m Nikki Lowe, and welcome to the Wisdom For Working Moms podcast show, where I share insights and interviews that support women To combine their family, work, and life in a more successful and sustainable way. Welcome to this So I’m your host, Nikki Lowe. And in today’s episode, I’m going to be diving into a topic that I’m really exploring in my own life at the moment, And it’s a topic that I feel is really important for all of us, but particularly for us as working mothers Because we wear so many different hats, you know, the different professional hats, our parent hat, and all of the hats we wear in our personal life. And in that process, our identity can get splintered. We’re pulled in so many different directions, in so many different groups that we want to belong to, But in the process, we can lose connection to the most important belonging to ourselves. And that’s the big topic that I’m exploring in my own life at the moment, and it’s rooted in my daily practice of psychological mindedness. And over the past 20 years in my work as an executive coach and in leadership development, my Hi.

Nicky Lowe [00:01:18]:

Expertise in that psychological mindedness has been the foundation of my success, not only with my clients, but with myself personally, and it’s a skill that I’ve spent decades studying and learning about. And psychological mindedness is a term used in psychology Really to describe an individual’s ability and their inclination to be aware of and understand their own thoughts, emotions, motivations, really the inner workings of their mind. So if you’ve ever had a coaching session with me or even just a conversation, I tend to go deep. I’m fascinated and understanding our inner workings, and it involves being really introspective and having that capacity to reflect on your own experiences and feelings and behaviors, as well as the ability to perceive That in others too. And all of the research shows that a psychological minded person tends to be more open to exploring the underlying reasons behind their thoughts and their actions as well as the emotions that drive them. And that self awareness and insight can lead to a deeper understanding of yourself and others I’m really improves not only your own life, but your interpersonal relationships as well. So at its core, it’s that self exploration and personal growth, And in this episode, I’m giving you a window into my own psychologically minded journey at the moment. And it’s important to say, I’ve not got this nailed.

Nicky Lowe [00:02:49]:

I’m not sharing from a place up. I’ve got this all sorted. But more, it’s about inviting you into your journey too, If that feels right for you. And I think that this has been fueled by my midlife. You know, as I record this episode, I’m 46, And I’m at that stage in life where I’m reflecting on where my life is. You know, what path have I taken up to this point? And what path do I wanna take in this next phase of my life? And I think it partly also fueled by the The fact that my mum was only 12 years older than I am now when she died suddenly. So I think that plays a huge part in my own reflections. If I only have 12 years left, and hopefully I have many more than that, but, you know, who knows? If I only have 12 years left, What do I want those 12 years to be like? Who is the person that I wanna be, and how do I wanna show up in the world? And maybe it’s also fueled by being in that perimenopausal phase, that transition leading up to the menopause.

Nicky Lowe [00:03:54]:

As the brilliant Brene Brown says, and if you’ve not come across The work of Brene. Please, please check it out. Brene Brown is a research professor, a storyteller, and she spent years studying courage and vulnerability and empathy and and, actually, the the magic of what we’re gonna be sharing today about belonging to yourself. Her insights have touched literally millions of hearts worldwide, and I love this quote from her. And she said, Midlife is not a crisis. Midlife is an unravelling. Midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulder, Paws you close and whispers in your ear, I’m not screwing around. All of this pretending I’m performing.

Nicky Lowe [00:04:42]:

These coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt Have to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all the things you needed to feel worthy and lovable, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever. Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging.

Nicky Lowe [00:05:16]:

Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen. What a quote. Hey. And I think as working moms, we often find ourselves pulled in those 1,000 different directions, you know, juggling our career ambitions, our family responsibilities and societal expectations. And in this busy world, it’s easy to lose sight of our own needs and desires, and we may even feel that sense of disconnect from ourselves. Adam.

Nicky Lowe [00:05:48]:

Like our digital world where we’re bombarded by what other people are doing in their lives, it is far too easy to find ourselves seeking validation externally or that belonging, which can lead to feelings of anxiety, stress, and even burnout. And I see this so often in my work with women when I ask What is it that you really need and want in your life? And they kind of really often say, I don’t know. I’ve lost sight of it. And I think that’s because we’ve spent so much time hustling for our belonging with other people, and I know the places. We’ve lost touch with ourselves. So what does it mean to belong to yourself first? Well, you know, belonging to yourself is about really fully embracing who you are at your core. It’s that inner connection that says, Hey, this is me and I’m enough. No more pretending to be someone you’re not or seeking approval from others.

Nicky Lowe [00:06:49]:

It’s like finding that missing puzzle piece that just completes you. And as Brene Brown says that, True belonging requires us to believe in and belong to ourselves so fully that we can find sacredness In both being part of something, and that something is something that we consciously and purposefully choose, so a friendship, or a relationship, or a cause, So that we can find sacredness in both being part of something and in standing alone when necessary. And it’s that alone piece that I think I’m exploring at the moment. In our culture, though, there has so much perfectionism and people pleasing. That’s really, really hard to do, and I’m noticing that hugely in my own life at the moment. I’m noticing the shift towards wanting to stand alone in some places And that it feels more authentic for me to stand alone than it does to hustle to belong in those places. Oh, my God. It feels uncomfortable because, you know, our human need to belong is so fundamental, and it’s like that innate aspect of our human nature.

Nicky Lowe [00:08:00]:

We’re hardwired for belonging. It’s that deep seated desire to form meaningful connections with others, to be accepted and to be part of a social group or community, And that need for belonging is present across different cultures and societies, and it plays such a crucial role in shaping human behavior and well-being. And the reasons for that, it really starts from an evolutionary perspective. You know, from that evolutionary standpoint, the need to belong served is a survival mechanism. In in ancient times, being part of a group offered protection, and it still does in our modern time. And he also gave access to resources, the increased chance of reproduction, and passing on genes. So that’s why it’s, like, hardwired biologically for us. But it also is about those social bonds and emotional support because that belonging to social group fulfils our need for emotional support and companionship and understanding, and standing.

Nicky Lowe [00:09:01]:

And it kind of provides that sense of security and reduces loneliness and does kind of enhance our overall mental health, but it also gives us that sense of identity and self esteem because belonging to our group to a group kind of being valued and accepted by others really validates our worth and re reinforces Positive self perceptions. So when we’re hardwired to belong with others, no wonder the process and Belonging to ourselves first feels so hard. And I love what Brene says in that We can think of the opposite of belonging as fitting in. Because fitting in is about assessing a group of people and thinking, What do I need to say? What do I need to wear? How do I need to act? And changing who you are. We fit in because of how we’ve changed ourselves, and that’s not belonging. You betray yourself for other people, And we know that that’s not sustainable. True belonging never asks us to change who we are. It Demams.

Nicky Lowe [00:10:13]:

We be who we are. And that, I just think, is so powerful. And I see this all the time with working moms. Whether we consciously know it or not, we seem to have to hustle to belong. We might want to belong to the group of school mums on the playground, But if we work full time, we often feel like we don’t belong there. We want to belong at work, but as a working parent, It might not feel like we fully belong in our place of work, and we wanna belong to a group of friends outside of work. But they might be going on a slightly different life path to us, and we feel that we need to conform to stay part of that group. And you can see how easy it is to lose our belonging along the way when we try and fit in.

Nicky Lowe [00:11:00]:

Whereas belonging to yourself is about that self awareness. It’s about honoring and acknowledging your own values and dreams and passions and preferences and kind of idiosyncrasies. It’s about binding that deep connection with your inner self, understanding your strengths and your limitations, And embracing your uniqueness without guilt or comparison. And it sounds easy when I say it like that, but we know it’s not. It’s easier to hustle to fit in than it is to show up as our true selves and risk that uncertainty or that criticism or that rejection, But I definitely feel like I’m at a point in my life where it’s more painful to do anything else than that. And actually, that feels really discombobulating for me, and I love at work. Like, I just feel out of sorts, but also really empowered. But when we’re brave enough to be vulnerable, we kind of open the door to those genuine connections with others, and more importantly, with ourselves.

Nicky Lowe [00:12:09]:

So if you can relate to what I’ve said about this, I wanted to give you kind of my, I suppose, 5 top tips For you, if you’d also like to go on this journey about the journey to belonging to yourself first. And the first tip actually It’s to nurture your nervous system, and that might feel seem just a weird thing for me to say, but actually, the foundation piece for this work Is feeling safe in our own bodies? And so many of us are stuck in this fight and flight, like our sympathetic system. You know, that That sympathetic nervous system is part of our autonomic nervous system responsible for the body’s fight or flight response distress and also perceived threats. And when we’re stuck in that state of chronic activation of the sympathetic nervous system, and like Most of us in our modern day to day lives are. It can lead to a sympathetic dominance, and that means that the body’s constantly in that heightened state of arousal. And how can we possibly drop the guard of our armor if we don’t feel safe? So the more that we can do to nurture, and even perhaps Heal our nervous system. The more safe we’re gonna feel and the more opportunity it gives us to the Access that belonging to ourselves, 1st and foremost. So I would encourage you to get really curious about what would it take for me to be more in my rest and digest And to feel safe and relaxed in my own body because when we do that, we’re more likely to be connected to ourselves authentically And give ourselves permission to show up more authentically.

Nicky Lowe [00:13:44]:

The 2nd step is get to truly know yourself and like yourself. Yeah. How can we show off as our true authentic self if we don’t yet know who that person is? And how can we spend time kinda getting to know ourselves, I suppose? For some people, that’s therapy or coaching. For others, it might be going for a quiet walk With no music or audiobooks or telephone calls, just being with yourself. Whatever your way might be, I would encourage you to think, what can you do to get to know yourself more? And a bonus tip here is to listen to your body more than your mind. Our minds have kind of a way of telling us stories, and often those stories aren’t true. If you remember, our mind’s primary focus is to keep it safe, And our minds might perceive fitting in as being more important and being authentic. But the body always tells the truth.

Nicky Lowe [00:14:40]:

So if we can listen carefully enough, we can become more aware of our body and its signals, and that empowers us There’s some really useful information about our deeper feelings and needs, and that’s known as somatic intelligence. So it’s about tracking your body’s Subtle reactions to others and to places and to situations. And that can tell you a lot about you and them. And I want to encourage you to have practices that bring you home to your body. If this is a place like me that you don’t always spend enough time in, It can help you feel grounded even just to sit and tune into your senses. The 3rd tip is what I call pillow talk. And I think a litmus test that I’m feeling that’s really important in my own life around belonging to myself is this concept of the pillow test. You know that feeling when you put your head on the pillow at night and you think, I did my best, and I’m kind of proud of myself for how I showed up today? That’s the pillow test.

Nicky Lowe [00:15:45]:

Research shows that people with the most integrity sleep well at night, and when we lower our moral and ethical standards, it’s harder to sleep. Now I caveat this with, you might have trouble sleeping. That doesn’t mean you’re unethical or, like, out of integrity. It’s just Actually, even if we’re a good sleeper, when we’re out of our integrity, we can feel more guilt or more shame or ruminate on our behavior. So can you ask yourself that question when you’re in a situation? How will I feel about this choice when my head hits the pillow tonight? And that’s the test I’m using in my own life. You know, even when it feels uncomfortable to belong to myself first rather than hustle for fitting in, If I can think about it in these terms, it really brings me back to what matters most. And on that note, If you don’t yet know your core values, please do the work to discover them. They’re like the guiding light that helps you navigate those choice points throughout the day.

Nicky Lowe [00:16:45]:

They’re like what’s It’s measuring when we hit our head on the pillow. That’s what we’re really measuring our behavior against. The 4th tip is around tolerating the discomfort of not being liked so that you can respect yourself. And a big part of this work in belonging to yourself is getting comfortable with that discomfort. And that is especially important for my people pleasers listening. It can feel really painful to tolerate not pleasing others so you can stay true to yourself. And when you go on this journey, you’ll start to see the 1,000,001 ways that you hustle for your self worth and people liking you. And as the saying goes, I’d rather be respected than liked, especially if to be liked, I’ve got to compromise my character and values.

Nicky Lowe [00:17:39]:

But standing alone and being willing to tolerate the discomfort takes huge courage. As Brene Brown says, We can measure how brave you are by how vulnerable you’re willing to be. And this work makes you feel vulnerable. Believe me. So get comfortable with being uncomfortable? And the 5th tip is about connecting to your wise woman. And I’m finding, as I navigate this in my own life, I’m really trying to connect with that wise woman in me. The woman that if, You know, if I get to that ripe old age, we’ll sit in a rocking chair. And to be honest, I’m not sure I’m a rocking chair kind of girl lady, but You know what I mean? That when you get to that age where you’re reflecting back on your life, that wise woman in me says, I’m proud of you for who you’ve finally become.

Nicky Lowe [00:18:29]:

Not because you’ve changed who you are, but because you’ve embraced who you are. I noticed that when I’m trying to Fitin. I’m more connected to the little girl within me, and I can hold compassion for her and see that she’s, like, just scared of feeling vulnerable Olen just wants people to like her, but in those moments, I try to embrace the wisdom and power of my wise woman and know that who I am at my Core is okay. And it’s okay to be me. So I hope those 5 tips help you to navigate this. And remember, belonging to yourself first is not just a concept. It’s more like a journey of self discovery and empowerment. And I kind of feel that this is the journey that I’m gonna be walking for how many ever years I’ve got ahead of me.

Nicky Lowe [00:19:18]:

And as Brene Brown says, True belonging is not something we negotiate or accomplish with others. It’s a daily practice that demands integrity and authenticity. Is a personal commitment that we carry in our hearts. And I hope this episode has inspired you to carry that in your heart. And that by embracing who we truly are, we can unlock our full potential and lead fulfilling lives, both at work and at home. And if you too are called to do this work, let’s heed the call and step into the adventure that lies ahead With courage and daring and that renewed sense of self worth. Because remember, you are worthy, you are unique, and you belong to yourself. So go out there and shine your beautiful light for the world to see.

Nicky Lowe [00:20:08]:

And if you want any help and support along the way, Drop me a message. This is the work I love to do with my clients. So until next time, take care. If you’ve enjoyed this episode of Wisdom For Working Moms, please share it on social media and with your friends and family. I’d love to connect with you too. So if you head over to wisdom for working mums.co.uk, you’ll find a link on how to do this. And if you love The show, I really want to support it. Please go to Itunes, write a review, and subscribe.

Nicky Lowe [00:20:40]:

You’ll be helping another working mum find this resource too. Thanks so much for listening.