Nikki [00:00:06]:
Hi. It’s Nicky Lowe, and welcome to the Wisdom for Working Moms podcast show. I’m your host. And for nearly two decades now, I’ve been an executive coach and leadership development consultant. And on this show, I share evidence based insights from my coaching, leadership, and psychological expertise and inspiring interviews that help women like you to combine your work, life, and motherhood in a more successful and sustainable way. Join me and my special guests as we delve into leadership and lifestyle topics for women, empowering you to thrive one conversation at a time. I’m so happy that you’re here and let’s go on with today’s episode. Welcome to the Wisdom for Working Mums podcast.

Nikki [00:00:49]:
I’m your host, Nikki Lo. And whether you’re a returning listener or you’re here for the first time, welcome. Today, we’re exploring a topic that I think can profoundly impact how we lead both at home and at work. Have you ever tried to help someone, maybe your child, a team member, a friend, only to later realize that your well intended support might actually have held them back? That’s exactly what happened to me one morning recently. My son started, secondary school in September. So he’s been navigating a whole new school, whole new friends, whole new system. And one of the things that I’m noting as a parent is you have to empower them more. Like, I don’t know who his teachers are.

Nikki [00:01:38]:
I don’t really know much about the lessons he has. There’s, there’s quite limited communication from the school. There’s enough and it’s good quality, but there’s not as much as you would get at primary school. And this one school morning, he rang me from the school bus really distressed because he’d forgotten his food and nutrition ingredients. So basically they’re doing cooking, I don’t know what they call it these days, food science on the curriculum. And we’d been sent a list of ingredients they needed to have each week. And we’d gone out and bought those ingredients. We’d packed them up in a bag and they were ready for him to take to school.

Nikki [00:02:15]:
But on that morning, he’d actually forgotten to pick them up and I’d forgotten to remind him. And so he called me from the school bus on his way to school, panicking, and he was convinced he was going to get a detention because, as I say, he’s navigating the school system and they clearly put in place consequences for forgetting your homework and panic had set in for him. He was getting really distressed and he was begging me to bring the ingredients into school. And I felt the pull to rescue him. Every fibre in my being wanted to fix the problem, but the reality was I had a packed day with back to back meetings and there was no space for me to drop everything and rush to school. He also asked if his grandparents could help, but they’re elderly. And on this particular morning, it had been snowing and it had gotten icy and I just wasn’t willing to ask them to go out in bad weather. It was gonna be too risky.

Nikki [00:03:11]:
And also for his mistake. So it took every ounce of self control not to respond unhelpfully in that moment. I, you know, a big part of me was like, I just wanna go make this right for him, but I couldn’t. So instead of trying to fix him or fix it for him, I encouraged him to try and regulate his emotions because he struggles with that. And I actually take responsibility in that moment. I said, go and see your teacher as soon as you get to school and left it at that. And by lunchtime, I was battling mum guilt. Should I have found a way to help? I wonder if he was struggling? And I messaged him, but they’re not allowed to have their phones during the day, which is fine.

Nikki [00:03:52]:
And when I finally saw him at the end of the day, I was like eagerly asked what happened. And he just shrugged his shoulder and said, oh, it was fine. My teacher had to spare a set of ingredients. And that moment was like a light bulb going off because I didn’t jump in to fix things for him. He had built his resilience, adaptability and problem solving skills in that situation. He’d shown himself that even when things feel difficult and he’s distressed, if he takes action, he can find his way through it. And there’s a psychologist called Doctor. Daniel Amen.

Nikki [00:04:26]:
And he’s quite famous because he goes on a lot of podcasts, but what he’s most famous for is being kind of like this Hollywood Psychiatrist Psychologist. And he works with people like Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus, and they credit how helpful he’s been when they’ve been in situations where they’ve struggled. And he says, if you do too much for your children, you increase your self esteem by stealing theirs. Let me say that again because I think it is so powerful. If you do too much for your children, you increase your self esteem by stealing theirs. And I was like, wow. That’s powerful. And that’s not just true for parenting.

Nikki [00:05:13]:
I think it’s true for leadership too. And that experience with my son really made me reflect on something that I’ve seen happen in the workplace time and time again, leaders who accidentally diminish their teams. Because I was at risk of jumping in and rescuing my son and accidentally diminishing him, his potential, and his learning. And before I dive into this research on leadership and accidental diminishes, I wanted to let you know that I’ve created a free download to go along with this episode. So head over to illuminate-group.co.uk/podcast/15seven. That’s episode one five seven. And this research comes from a lady called Liz Wiseman, and she’s author of the book Multipliers. And actually she spent years researching the difference between two types of leaders and how this came about was Liz was, I think she was VP of HR for the large software and technology company Oracle.

Nikki [00:06:21]:
And what she talks about in her book is that over her career, she started to notice a pattern. There were leaders who could have like a team of 10 people, but they would get the productivity, the motivation, the creativity, the efficiency. And it was like they’d got 15 people on their team. And then there were leaders who could have 10 people on their team, but they would get the productivity, motivation, innovation, creativity, output. And it was like they only had five people on their team. She got curious about this and it led her to write this book called Multipliers. And she wrote it with Adam Grant, who is, an academic researcher who at the time was fairly unknown, but now he’s very well known. And their book talks about these two types of leaders, what they call multipliers, leaders who amplify the intelligence, capability and performance of people and diminishes leaders who accidentally and unintentionally reduce their team’s contributions often with the best intentions.

Nikki [00:07:28]:
And here’s the shocking truth. 80% of diminishers don’t even realize they’re doing it. That means most leaders are unknowingly holding their people back, just like I almost did with my son. As Wiseman’s research found that teams working under multiplier leaders are twice as productive and engaged compared to those under diminishers. And multipliers bring out the best in their people by trusting them. So they trust their teams and they delegate ownership and responsibility. They create space for others. They encourage contributions and fresh thinking.

Nikki [00:08:04]:
They challenge and stretch their team. Like they push them to do more than I suppose they thought was possible. They develop leaders. So they grow intelligence rather than keeping control. And I want you to think about the best leaders you’ve ever worked with or for. What did they do differently? The chances are they were a multiplier. But here’s where it gets even more interesting. Most leaders don’t mean to be diminishers.

Nikki [00:08:33]:
They just haven’t been given the tools to lead effectively. Research shows that many managers become accidental managers, meaning like they get promoted because they were good at their technical role, but they’ve been given little or no leadership training. So they default to what feels natural. And I can relate to that. When I first became a manager, I was completely accidentally. So what can happen is that we can jump to trying to solve problems and try to, instead of coaching others to solve their own problems, doing things themselves instead of delegating. Because if we’re used to being an individual contributor and doing the work ourselves, it can be really difficult to learn how to do work through others. And it can mean moving fast, getting that drive, that let’s just get on and do, instead of creating space for others.

Nikki [00:09:24]:
The good news is though that small shifts in our behavior can create huge performance gains. So what I wanted to do was share with you 10 accidental diminisher behaviors and share what we can do instead of accidentally being in these behaviors. But before we dive into them, I wanna remind remind you that there’s the free self assessment tool that I’ve created for this episode, and it will help you pinpoint which behaviors might be limiting your team’s potential or family members’ potential so you can shift from being an accidental diminisher to an intentional multiplier. So head over to that link, luminate-group.co.uk/podcast/157 to download that free assessment now. So let’s get into those 10 accidental diminisher behaviours and how you can shift your leadership approach. The first behavior is called the optimist, and the optimist only sees possibilities and downplays challenges, and it can make their team feel unheard. So the impact of this is team members feel like their concerns just aren’t taken seriously, and it can create frustration and avoidance of difficult conversations. So Sheryl Sandberg has been a champion of lean in, encouraging women to step up and go after leadership roles, But actually in her role as former COO of Meta, at times critics have pointed out that her optimism about women’s progress in the workplace didn’t fully acknowledge the systemic barriers, and it can feel like your concerns aren’t being heard.

Nikki [00:11:08]:
So the lesson in this is optimism is important, but we have to balance it with active listening and empathy. So we can empower our teams by acknowledging their challenges while also focusing on a solution focused mindset. So instead of kind of saying, oh, it’ll all be fine, you can ask, okay, what support do you need to navigate this? And we can acknowledge concerns before kind of thinking about that solution. The second accidental diminisher behavior is the rescuer. So the rescuer steps in too quickly to fix problems and it can prevent their team members from learning. And that was exactly the situation I was in with my son. And the risk is that team members become dependent and don’t develop their problem solving skills. And it also means that we become bottlenecks because if we’re the person that is the go to problem solver, nothing gets solved until we get involved.

Nikki [00:12:06]:
And an example of this is Arianna Huffington. She was founder, she is founder of Huffington Post and Thrive Global. And she built this global media empire, but realized she was overextending herself in trying to solve every issue. She famously talks about her burnout, and she learned through that to empower famously talks about her burnout, and she learned through that to empower a team by stepping back and allowing them to take ownership and really building this culture of trust. So the lesson in this is we should be coaching and asking those questions. What do you think is the best way forward rather than jumping in and rescuing? So let people experience the challenge before stepping in, and that’s exactly what that situation with my son created. The third accidental diminisher behavior is the pacesetter. So the pacesetter sends a really intense pace and high expectations and assumes that others will keep up.

Nikki [00:13:00]:
And the impact of this is that team members can shut down or withdraw because they can’t match the leader’s speed and it can create burnout instead of that as a kind of sustainable performance and excellence. And an example of this is Marissa Mayer. She was the former CEO of Yahoo, and she was known for pushing high expectations and extreme work hours at Yahoo and expecting people to work at a pace. And whilst it drove short term results, it also led to burnout and disengagement. So high standards really need to be paired with that realistic pacing and an awareness of other people. So let’s set ambitious goals, but let’s check-in with our people to make sure that actually it’s having the right impact. The fourth accidental diminisher behavior is the rapid responder. And the rapid responder tends to jump in with answers before the team has had a chance to process or contribute.

Nikki [00:13:57]:
And it can mean that others just don’t develop that decision making skills because they wait for the leader’s answer, and it can create a reactive team rather than a proactive one. And I think an example of this is Jeff Bezos from Amazon was known for, like, sending out an email, asking his team a question. And before other people had a chance to respond, he would send an email answering on their behalf. And another example is Whitney Wolfe Herd. She’s the founder and CEO of Bumble and also was the co founder of Tinder. And she’s a dynamic and fast paced leader, but she’s learned the power of pausing to allow her executive team to bring their ideas rather than always having the immediate answer. So it’s a reminder that the silence can be a leadership tool, give people space to think. I’ve also been working on a global, culture program for a large financial firm, and their CEO has actually recognized that if he’s the first person to speak in a meeting, nobody else will speak afterwards.

Nikki [00:15:04]:
It diminishes everybody. So here’s, like, micro initiative that he’s bringing along with loads of other things so the culture changes. He’s always the last person to speak in a meeting. He wants to hear everybody else’s ideas before he takes up any space. So when someone asks a question like, what do you think? Just hold space for them to problem solve. Just ask them. So what do you think before I respond? The fifth accidental diminisher behavior is the protector, And this is where the leader really shields the team from difficulties, and it can unintentionally limit their growth. And again, this is something that could have happened with my son.

Nikki [00:15:46]:
I could have tried to shield him from the difficulty of forgetting his ingredients, But actually, if we do that, people miss those critical learning experiences that help them learn and build resilience, and it creates a dependency. And Michelle Obama in her book, The Light We Carry, really talks about how her mother and father really set her up for her resilience. She talks about how they let her struggle through challenges instead of protecting her from difficulties. And she’s really carried that into her leadership and her parenting, knowing that discomfort is often where the growth happens. So instead of shielding people, let’s support them. So kind of how can I help you rather than just removing the obstacle and kind of let people handle difficult situations while feeling supported? The sixth accidental diminutive behavior is the strategist. And the strategist paints this compelling vision, but doesn’t leave room for the team to figure out the path. So team members really become passive waiting for the direction, and it really reduces ownership and creative problem solving.

Nikki [00:16:57]:
And an example of this is Indra Nooyi from who’s the CEO of PepsiCo. And Indra set a really bold vision for PepsiCo’s future, but she really ensured her team had the autonomy to innovate because a leader’s role is to set really that why, that compelling vision, but let the team figure out the how. So I invite you to ask perhaps team members or your family into that process and kind of balance the vision with the flexibility on how we get it done. The seventh accidental diminisher behavior is the resource manager. And a resource manager only taps into a small group of trusted individuals, right, relying on key people and missing the broader talent pool that they have around them. And that can really limit innovation. It prevents new perspectives, but it also overloads key people while underutilising others. And I think an example of where this has done well, I think was Jacinda Ardern, the former prime minister of New Zealand.

Nikki [00:18:01]:
She built a leadership style that was actively included diverse voices, and that really made sure that her decisions were collaborative and inclusive. And on the flip side of that, Mark Zuckerberg has been criticized for keeping decision making power concentrated within a small group of his longtime Facebook executives, many of whom just shared a similar background and perspective. It’s like that group think. And that creates a lack of diversity, but has also contributed to some missteps for them in areas like privacy policies, misinformation, and ethical concerns because the team just lacked that external diverse viewpoint and it led to blind spots in their decision making. So the lesson is about how can we actively seek new and diverse perspectives. So trusting team members, but kind of making sure we’re not just limiting to the same voices and insights. So really getting those different viewpoints, maybe even rotating leadership responsibilities or challenging yourself to kind of invite perspectives. The eighth leadership behaviour for accidental diminishers is the always on leader.

Nikki [00:19:18]:
So the always on leader is engaged and enthusiastic, but can really dominate conversations. And an example of this is Oprah Winfrey. So everybody kind of knows Oprah. She had a talk show and she’s kind of got big media businesses, but early in her career, Oprah was known for leading every conversation and actually it got in the way of her having the depth of interviews that we know her for. So over time she learned the power of listening and making space for other people’s stories. So if you have this tendency, the shift is about actively pausing and then inviting contributions and giving other people the floor before jumping in. The next accidental diminisher behavior is the perfectionist, and this is somebody who constantly refines work, making employees feel that their efforts are just never good enough. And an example of this is Anna Wintour, the editor in chief at Vogue, and her tendency is she really expects perfection, making it difficult for team members to feel that their work is good enough.

Nikki [00:20:26]:
She’s renowned for exacting standards and those perfectionist tendencies. And her leadership brand has been one of being kind of described as demanding, meticulous, and sometimes even intimidating because she has this obsession with flawless execution. And while her high standards have really helped shape Vogue into that kind of global fashion powerhouse, it’s also created a culture of fear and second guessing. So employees can hesitate to present ideas or take risks, or just fear that their work won’t meet her impossibly high expectations. So it’s like the opposite of psychological safety, because that can stifle creativity. And especially in an industry that thrives on that creativity and, like, bold experimentation. So when perfection is the only acceptable standard, you know, you’re not gonna get people giving their best because they’re gonna be trying to avoid mistakes. So it goes without saying, you know, excellence is important, but perfect is the enemy of that progress.

Nikki [00:21:30]:
So it’s about balancing high standards with that psychological safety so that people can experiment and learn from their mistakes and refine ideas over time. And the tenth accidental diminutive behavior is the idea fountain. So this is somebody that constantly generates new ideas, but it can overwhelm their team when shifting priorities. And an example of this is Sara Blakey, you know, the founder of Spanx. She is this idea powerhouse, but she had to learn to really prioritize execution over endless brainstorming. And then another example of this is Walt Disney. Like Walt Disney was just the most creative kind of had ideas pouring out of every cell in his body, but it just meant that there were so many ideas, nothing was getting done and it took his brother and his brother was the kind of guy that said, right, we’re now gonna execute on them and helped him kind of prioritize and move just from the ideas to making them a reality. And without that kind of his brother’s support, you know, we wouldn’t know Disney for, for what we do these days.

Nikki [00:22:38]:
So the lesson is to kind of really prioritize before sharing every idea. So instead of flooding people with ideas, perhaps asking, you know, what moves us forward most or filtering before you overload your team. So I know I’ve just shared those 10 accidental diminisher behaviors quite quickly, but I really wanted you to take a moment to reflect. Which of these tendencies might be yours? And here’s the truth. We all have the ability to diminish people around us at times. It’s not a question of if you do, it’s a question of which one and when. And that’s exactly why I created that free assessment to help you identify your accidental diminished tendencies, start making small shifts towards being a multiplier instead. So take a few moments to go through the self reflection questions and uncover the behaviors that might be unintentionally limiting your team, your colleagues, or even your children.

Nikki [00:23:44]:
And you could download it now over at illuminate hyphen group dot co dot uk forward slash podcast forward slash one five seven, because it will help you think about which accidental diminisher behaviors do you lean towards. Have a think about how they might be impacting people around you, and also think about what’s the small shifts to become more of a multiplier. So before you move on with your day, go grab that free self assessment at luminategroup.co.uk/podcast/150seven. And there’s a quote by John C Maxwell that I think kind of captures today’s conversation. And it’s that leadership is not about titles, positions or flowcharts. It’s about one life influencing another. And it reminds us that leadership isn’t just about our roles at work. It’s about how we show up in all areas of our life, whether you’re leading a team, mentoring a colleague, raising a child, or even supporting a friend.

Nikki [00:24:49]:
Your impact comes from how you empower others, not just from what you do, yourself. And that’s exactly what being a multiplier is all about. And it reminds me of the leadership transformation that Mary Barra, who was the CEO of General Motors, and she’s the first female CEO of a big three automaker automotive company. And early in her career, she was known as a problem solver. She was deeply involved in every detail and often took it upon herself to fix issues quickly. But as she moved into more senior leadership roles, she realized that her job wasn’t to have all the answers. It was to create an environment where her team could find the answers themselves. And she made a pivotal shift from telling to asking about creating a culture of accountability and empowerment at General Motors.

Nikki [00:25:40]:
And instead of micromanaging, she encouraged open communication, bold decision making, and I suppose given her team confidence to take ownership. And the result was, you know, pretty powerful. GM transformed under her leadership, had more innovation, and she navigated some massive industry shifts and they became a more agile, forward thinking company. And the research backs it up. Studies show that leaders who create space for their teams to take ownership and grow, outperform those, they micromanage and dominate decision making. And I think Liz Wiseman’s research found that teams under multipliers produce twice as much as those under diminishers. So I want to ask you, where can you step back to allow someone else to step up? How can you ask more and tell less? And where might you be holding on too tightly? Maybe at work, maybe at home? Because real leadership isn’t about being needed. It’s about empowering others so they no longer need you.

Nikki [00:26:50]:
And that’s tricky, both as leaders and parents. Before we wrap up, I just wanted to remind you, go and grab that download, illuminate-group.co.uk/podcast/150seven. And you can see there’s 10 accidental diminisher behaviours. It’s a powerful but simple tool to help you really think about your own leadership patterns. And if you found this episode valuable, please take a moment to share it with a friend, a colleague, or someone on your leadership team, because the more we understand these behaviors, the better we can lead, support, and empower those around us. And if you haven’t already, can you subscribe to Wisdom for Working Mums? We’d love you to come and subscribe. So until next time, thanks for listening and take care. Life.

Nikki [00:27:50]:
I’d also love to connect with you, so head over to illuminate-group.co.uk, where you’ll find ways to stay in touch. And if this episode resonated with you, one of the best ways to support the show is by subscribing and thanks for listening. Until next time, take care.