Nicky Lowe [00:00:06]:

Hi. I’m Nikki Lowe, and welcome to the Wisdom for Working Women’s podcast show where I share insights and interviews that support women to combine their family, work and life in a more successful and sustainable way. Welcome to this episode. I’m your host, Nikilo. And today, I have something which I hope is gonna be really useful to explore with you. that can transform your professional and personal relationships. And it’s something that I share with my clients as it’s the secret ingredient that could really hold our lives together like glue, both at work and home. And it’s the concept of trust And it’s a concept that you probably come across before, but I’m hoping in this episode, I’m gonna share a couple of components of that you may not have come across or even considered before.

Nicky Lowe [00:00:58]:

And, really, we can’t go anywhere these days without the concept of psychological safety being brought up because it’s so important for the way we show up and relate to each other. And I’ve had the privilege of supporting some very well known organizations with their leadership development over the years. and any intervention I do, I always focus on psychological safety as the foundation. Why? because it has so many benefits like encouraging honest communication because when we have psychological safety, We know we won’t be judged or punished for speaking our minds, and we can become more open and honest with our thoughts. And that level of communication really fosters understanding and is the foundation for any effective relationship. It also empowers growth and learning because in psychologically safe environments, We know that making mistakes is not meant with shame, but really an opportunity to learn and improve. And when we’ve got that, we feel safe to take risks to have out of our comfort zone. and really embrace personal growth like we may never have done before.

Nicky Lowe [00:02:02]:

It builds stronger connections. If you think about your closest friends or your most reliable coworkers, the chances are you feel comfortable around them because you know that they accept you as you are. that that psychological safety is in place that deepens the connection and really builds support and understanding. But psychological safety also boosts creativity and innovation because we know innovation thrives in environments where ideas are celebrated, not stifled and we feel safe to explore and really dive into our creativity without judgment. And that’s when you get the power of unlocking groundbreaking — and ideas, but it also reduces stress and anxiety. That psychological safety really reduces stress because it calms our nervous system knowing that we’re safe. And that enables us to focus on what truly matters and can really lead to that healthier and happier kind of life and work. So I always challenge my leadership development participants to think about how they can influence psychological safety.

Nicky Lowe [00:03:04]:

And to do that, we often focus on trust and trust in a way that you may never have thought about before. because trust and psychological safety are actually closely intertwined, and they both play an essential role in creating those positive and supportive environments in any setting, whether it’s workplace or team or relationships. But often we think about how much we can trust others. but trust is actually a two way street. It involves both inviting trust from others. and being willing to trust others. So it’s about trustworthiness and trusting And in this episode, I’m gonna be diving into what it means to be trustworthy about how we can actually invite trust from other people But to do that, we have to start with how do we define trust and how can we cultivate it in ways that are genuine and effective. Well, my friend, that’s where the trust equation comes in.

Nicky Lowe [00:04:12]:

if you’ve not come across the trust equation before, I think you’re gonna really like it. The trust equation is a concept that was created by a guy called Charles H Green. He’s a speaker, author, and consultant specializing interest rates relationships. So Charles Green, along with his co author, David Meister, introduced the concept of the trust equation in their book the trusted adviser. So Charles makes it clear that the level of trust in relationship is the greatest determinant of the success of the relationship. And in their book, the trusted adviser, they proposed the trust equation as a model to help us as individuals and organizations, understand the factors that contribute to trustworthiness and how we can use it to strengthen trust with people. And they put it into a simple mathematical formula that really quantifies trust based on 4 elements And although my brain doesn’t work in a mathematical way, it does love simplicity. And I love the simplicity of the trust the trusted equation model.

Nicky Lowe [00:05:21]:

And the model goes like this. It says trust equals. And I want you to imagine an equation So you’ve got trust equals. And on the top part of the equation, you’ve got credibility, plus reliability, plus intimacy, And on the bottom line is with, like, a divided sign is self orientation. So you’ve got credibility plus reliability, plus intimacy divided by self orientation. So let me break down those elements and, hopefully, I’ll begin to make more sense if you can’t imagine that. And along with this episode, in the episode podcast notes, you’ll find the image of that equation. And I think when you see it, often seeing the visual can be really powerful.

Nicky Lowe [00:06:08]:

So let’s break down those elements. First, let’s talk about credibility. Credibility is the foundation of trust. And in this equation, it’s all about being seen as capable, knowledgeable, and competent in your field. Because when people perceive you as credible, they trust that you have the expertise and experience to really deliver on your promises or what they need. You have almost like the right credentials, perhaps you’re the subject matter. And it’s largely a cognitive trait, but it also does have emotional elements to this. Does this person give us confidence? do we believe the person is telling the truth and being honest about what you know and what you don’t know? And for my perfectionist friends out there, It’s a reminder that credibility isn’t about being perfect.

Nicky Lowe [00:06:57]:

It’s about being genuine and authentic in your interactions. So it’s also about being honest about where you might not have the credentials or you don’t yet know the information. So credibility is about words and ideas, whereas the next part of equation, reliability, is all about actions. So reliability is about trusting that the person would do what they say they’re gonna do. It’s like the art of keeping promises and delivering on time. It’s about having a good track record and being consistent. And while reliability is largely behavioral, it does also have emotional aspects to it. When someone promises something, really, we kind of, deciding whether we have the confidence that they would do it.

Nicky Lowe [00:07:47]:

And as working moms, we juggle so many responsibilities sometimes it can feel like a circus act, but by setting realistic expectations and following through on our commitment, we build a solid foundation of trust with our colleagues and loved ones. And both reliability and credibility are largely rational forms of trustworthiness. because they’re they’re more objective, they’re more measurable. But the next two components of the equation, the trust equation, are a little bit different. And when I share them, often people are unaware until they have been kind of put in front of them, how they would impact their trustworthiness. And the first one of those is intimacy, And it might not be a word that you would relate trustworthiness, and it’s often a word that has different connotations to it. And I don’t mean in terms of the physical intimacy. What we’re talking here is about emotional security and dealing with someone that you feel safe sharing information and you know that they will deal with that information appropriately.

Nicky Lowe [00:08:51]:

And it really relates to emotional intelligence, vulnerability, and empathy. And it the intimacy really explicitly deals with the element of risk in relationships because there’s emotional riskiness on both parts, the truster and the trustee. And to give to bring this alive, I wanna give you an example, and it take you back a few years up to when I left university. And my good friend of my university after we left, we’d have these regular CAPTCHA calls, and we’d spent hours talking on the phone, listening to each other about how life work and love was kind of unfolding in in life post university. And about a year after leaving university, we were having these, you know, lovely long catch up calls. She turned around and Just out of the blue shared with me that her and her long term boyfriend was splitting up and or had split up. And what was interesting to me was that not at one point in any of those catch up calls had she shared any vulnerability in her relationship, or that she was having difficulty, or that she was unhappy, or that she was thinking about kind of splitting up. And it had quite a powerful impact on me in terms of trust, which kind of, I I found bizarre at the time, but now knowing this, I understand why.

Nicky Lowe [00:10:18]:

And what had gone on for me was I was sharing my vulnerabilities in those catch up calls, but I think what I didn’t realize at the time, but what I felt in that trust was actually that wasn’t being returned. So I was risking sharing my vulnerabilities, but she hadn’t. And I get it. You know, that’s her personal choice. She didn’t have to. She didn’t feel comfortable for whatever reason, but it really had an impact into the degree of risk that I then took with her going forward in how much I shared. And what I now realized was that it had impacted kind of the trust in our relationship. So our ability to show up and be open and vulnerable with what’s going on, like within within reason, this isn’t about sharing your deepest deepest secrets with everybody, but it’s about actually how much am I showing myself because we can only trust what we know.

Nicky Lowe [00:11:16]:

And if we’re not making parts of our self known, those unknowns create kind of a risk We don’t like unknown as human beings. We give meaning to that. So, intimously, like the sweet nectar of deep connections, It’s about showing active listening and being emotionally present and opening up in an an appropriate way. By opening up, you give permission for other people to do the same set bills, that psychological safety, but it also lets others know that you genuinely care about them. and that can really kind of foster that lifetime of trust. Unlike the previous two elements of credibility and reliability, It’s really difficult to describe and measure intimacy, and it’s really harder to val evaluate. But when I’m working with leaders, often I’ll challenge them to be back How much how intimate are you as a leader? It’s, you know, it’s about that o emotional openness and putting yourself into a position in which you’re exposed appropriately and are willing to be open because that really invites that trust. And I often think of Barack Obama, who role modeled, I think, this so well because he used to really create intimacy when he was president in a really powerful way.

Nicky Lowe [00:12:36]:

He was great at telling stories and stories tend to build trust, and they always had that personal element to them. He would often talk about Michelle and his daughters or kind of his own internal experience in those stories, and that really gave us a window into his world. but also he did something in 2012 when he was president that really surprised people when he logged on to Reddit, you know, the social new website, and he typed in, ask me anything. And at that time, he was like the 44th president of the United States, and filleded really unscripted crowd source questions from anybody on topics and politics to his hub hobbies. While most of his responses have kind of long since been forgotten, that extreme transparency and vulnerability really left a lasting impression. And Obama had no idea what questions he’d face when he logged in to Reddit, but he had the confidence that his opinions, policies, and positions would hold up in the face of that radical openness and vulnerability. And he didn’t just do that for fun because, you know, he’s a credibly busy man. He did it with the intention of building trust.

Nicky Lowe [00:13:53]:

So so far, we’ve addressed 3 concepts in, like, the numerator in the top part of this equation, which is credibility, reliability, and intimacy. And now we’re gonna look at the factor in the denominator. So kind of sitting beneath that divide line, which is the 4th component of self orientation. And a high of self orientation actually leads to low levels of trustworthiness. And what we mean by this is self worth in in self orientation can be selfishness in its most extreme. And when people are in it for themselves, but that’s quite often easy to detect. In business, the biggest challenge is often about self obsession. seeing all things about being about yourself, almost like being too self focused.

Nicky Lowe [00:14:50]:

So thinking like, will I look stupid, well, they think I don’t know the answer. And it’s that degree of, like, how much are we shining the spotlight on Earth? because self orientation is when we’re concerned primarily with ourselves and especially with our own desires, needs, or interests, It’s almost like the person who’s wearing blinkers, and they can only see themselves and their own world. And to give you an example of this, I was talking to a friend recently he was saying that his brother is, leaving a very, very well paid, very good job primarily because of his boss. And his boss has been so focused on themselves to the of the team members, including my friend’s brother. And it is warning down that much that he he just can’t see where his future is in this organization. And he actually, as a last resort, went to his boss and kinda had this conversation — that’s saying, look, I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know where my career progression progressions growing going in this business. I’m really feeling demote motivated.

Nicky Lowe [00:15:57]:

I’d I’d really like your insights as to where you think I can go and, you know, almost looking for, like, a confidence boost, a morale boost, And his boss just turned around and went, look, don’t worry. You know, this is the kind of organisation. If you do the right things, you’ll get places. Just look at me. I’ve just been promoted and turned it right back around on himself. And in that moment, my friend’s brother just knew that he could no longer continue and had had a few job offers on the on the horizon and went and pursued it and has ended up taking on this new job and handing it his notice, primarily because his boss has a high degree of self orientation. because it’s interesting. You can score high in all the other areas of this trust equation, like credibility, reliability, intimacy.

Nicky Lowe [00:16:47]:

But if you’re high in self orientation, it can dramatically lower your scores regardless of how critical you are and all the other things. Because if someone scores too high in that self orientation, it can feel like they don’t care about us. They’re so wrapped up in themselves. They don’t even notice us. Whereas someone with low self orientation is tuned into the needs of others and consistently shows up in ways that kind of demonstrates that. And like intimacy, self orientation is really difficult to measure, but we all know when we’re in the company of someone who has high levels, And also when we’re with people who have low levels and we know which we’d rather deal with. So I hope this essay episode really has got you thinking about trust, and I hope it’s given you some insights into your trustworthiness you know, how much you’re inviting people to trust you, and actually what you can do to influence that. And I hope breaking it down into those 4 components makes it more practical.

Nicky Lowe [00:17:52]:

And I’d encourage you to reflect and really honestly ask yourself Where do your strengths line those 4 components of credibility, reliability, intimacy, and self orientation? and also which might be your development area or areas. And what’s interesting Charles Green, the guy who developed this trust equation, he tells us that we can actually gain more from focusing on our development areas, rather than our strengths with this model. And that actually goes against normal strength based approach. The normal kind of theory is If we invest more in our strengths, we get a better return on investment than focusing on our weaknesses or development areas. But the reason for this is If we perceive someone is consistent across all four components, we perceive them as being balanced, whole, complete, and, like, in sync. Whereas someone who has imbalances in those 4 components is perceived as incoherent, imbalanced, and inconsistent, which is at odds with what we want from someone we trust. So I encourage you to lean into your biggest trust challenges you might be unintentionally and demanding your trustworthiness just like my friend did. And remember that trust is that precious and often fragile aspect of our interactions.

Nicky Lowe [00:19:16]:

I always say to my son that, like, we’ve got an integrity bank, and you wanna be constantly banking in that integrity bank because if it runs low, It’s really hard to build it back up. And thinking about what might be the things we might unintentionally be doing that impact that, Because by in actively inviting trust and being willing to trust others, we create that positive environment that fosters these meaningful connections and really nurtures our personal and professional growth. So let’s go out and embrace the beauty of trust in all those complexities. and experience the profound impact it can have on our lives. So thank you for joining me for this episode. Until next time. Take care. If you’ve enjoyed this episode of Wisdom for Working Mums, please share it on social media with your friends and family.

Nicky Lowe [00:20:08]:

I’d love to connect with you too. So if you head over to wisdom for working mums.co.uk, you find a link on how to do this. And if you love the show and really want to support it, please go to iTunes, write a review, and Scribe, you’ll be helping another working man find this resource too. Thanks so much for listening.