Nicky Lowe [00:00:06]:
Hi. It’s Nicky Lowe, and welcome to the Wisdom for Working Mums podcast show. I’m your host. And for nearly 2 decades now, I’ve been an executive coach and leadership development consultant. And on this show, I share evidence based insights from my coaching, leadership, and psychological expertise and inspiring interviews that help women like you to combine your work, life, and motherhood in a more successful and sustainable way. Join me and my guest as we delve into leadership and lifestyle topics for women, empowering you to thrive one conversation at a time. I’m so happy that you’re here, and let’s go on with today’s episode. Welcome to this episode.

Nicky Lowe [00:00:47]:
I’m your host Nikki Lowe. And in today’s episode, I’m gonna be diving into the 10 lessons I’ve learned from 10 years of summer holidays as a working mum. Now this year marks 10 years of juggling work and summer holidays. Although my son’s 11, the 1st summer we had him, I was on maternity leave, so I can’t count that as kind of the juggle. And it’s given me some really powerful reflections on that ride because it’s been filled with challenges, laughter, tears, and plenty of valuable life lessons. So as I sit back and reflect on a decade of summers as a mother, I thought I’d share with you the 10 most powerful lessons I’ve learned along the way. Because as the saying goes, our children can be our greatest teachers if we’re humble enough to receive their lessons. And I’ve been taught quite a few lessons over that time.

Nicky Lowe [00:01:41]:
So here are mine. The first one is about setting expectations wisely. The brilliant Brene Brown once said that resentments waiting to happen. And I remember my first holiday as a mum, when my first born, my son, was 6 months old. I was tired, I was depleted, and I’d been looking forward to having some replenishment time. But what I hadn’t learned at that point was holidays with children aren’t necessarily relaxing and replenishing. I began to reset my expectations that holidays are now about making memories and not necessarily about rest. And I must say, as my kids are getting older, there is more rest being built in.

Nicky Lowe [00:02:28]:
But, definitely, with young children at that season in your life, it’s not about rest. And as someone who often has high expectations, if I’m not careful, those can trip me up, and I’m too busy chasing the extraordinary things that I can miss out on the beauty of the ordinary. And I think scrolling through social media can really heighten our expectations about what holiday should be like and look like, and it can leave us feeling inadequate. So we, as we’ve heard, we start comparing our behind the scenes real life with somebody else’s highlight reel, but we forget that what we’re seeing is curated highlights and not the full picture. So I’ve come to realize that expectations and the attachment to a specific outcome can cause, you know, suffering, you know, the disappointment, the resentment, the frustration, the comparison. So if, like me, you find it difficult to surrender completely and have no expectations, you know, after all, we’re not Buddhist monks, even if we try, then I’d encourage you just to choose your expectations wisely. And how do you do that? You know, we need to be realistic. You can be aspirational, but make sure they’re grounded in realism.

Nicky Lowe [00:03:49]:
Reflect on your values, focus on what matters most to you, and focus on what you can control, and avoid those unhelpful comparisons. You are the expert on you, your life, your family, your dynamics. So set some expectations that work for you, And where possible, just drop the comparison at your feet and step over it. My second tip is be prepared. I think for several years, the summer kind of took me by surprise as a mum. It wasn’t that I didn’t know the time of year or I couldn’t read a calendar. It was more that I underestimated what that involve. So when my calendar started to get booked up with sports days and summer fairs and the end of term celebrations, I’d get twitchy.

Nicky Lowe [00:04:36]:
I hadn’t created the white space for those extra activities. I hadn’t gave myself up for the additional mental load of managing children in the summer. For some reason, I kind of I expected it when it came to Christmas, but not for the summer. Now I know when I look at my year that I need more flexibility and white sprays across the summer. So I plan for it. I’ve created more systems, structure, and support to navigate the summer holidays. And this year, I’m doing something that I’ve never done before. I’m actually taking the whole of August off, and I’ll come on to that more in a little while.

Nicky Lowe [00:05:14]:
But knowing that I need to plan for that, and I’ve been planning for that the whole year. My third tip is around down regulating our nervous systems. And, you know, as I’ve said, the children the holidays with children is not necessarily relaxing and replenishing. And I remember reading a quote that said parents don’t really go on vacation. They just look after their children in a different place. And it struck me, yes, holidays are lovely. And, yes, you’re very lucky if you’ve got the means to afford getting away from home. And yes, that creates lovely memories and experiences for the family.

Nicky Lowe [00:05:54]:
But if you’re in parent mode, you’re still carrying the mental load that goes along with keeping your family ticking over. And if anything, actually, there’s more of a heightened alertness because you’re not in your normal surroundings. There might be more things to be aware of. I know, for example, when we go on holiday and we’re lucky enough to go in the sun and there might be a swimming pool, I’m on high alert with the kids in the swimming pool. You know, you you feel that you can’t take your eyes off them. Even though my kids are now pretty quite competent swimmers, you know, you’ve you’ve just, you know, there’s that in built piece of not taking your eyes off them. So that keeps my nervous system more on high alert. And it was after my experience of burnout that I realized I may need a holiday to recover from a holiday.

Nicky Lowe [00:06:39]:
And that doesn’t mean booking a child free exotic beach holiday, as lovely as that might be. But in reality, it means booking in Muments of replenishment. And you know, my burnout was created by adrenal fatigue, which is also known as something called HPA dysfunction, where my nervous system had become stuck in that fight and flight mode. And that taught me to pay attention to my nervous system. And then the summer holidays almost have a way of activating my nervous system. It’s probably exacerbated by the fact that I need my introvert time, and I can find the summer holidays over stimulating with all the activities, the adventures, the socializing, and the additional mental load. So I need to pay attention to down regulating my nervous system. And so I try to build in micromanements of replenishment.

Nicky Lowe [00:07:30]:
So for me, this means solo early morning dog walks over the summer. Those early morning peaceful walks in the countryside ground me. So it means me setting my alarm extra early so that I can make that happen around our family dynamics. It means sipping my hot drink of a morning before the rest of the family wake up, and before, you know, everybody tries to hijack me for something or some, you know, reason. I get to be with my own thoughts before they’re hijacked. On holiday, I tend to get up and do either some yoga or on the balcony or on the beach before the kids get up. Again, that time alone before parenting 247 really helps keep me in balance. And it’ll probably look something different for you.

Nicky Lowe [00:08:18]:
Whatever it might be, whatever the resources you have, please try to create those micro Muments to down regulate your nervous system, when and where you might need it. My 4th strategy is embracing the art of flexibility. And if you’re the default parent in your family, then you’re likely to be the flex point. And when you’re the flex point, it requires a considerable amount of flexibility. And summer holidays can be unpredictable, especially where the kids are involved, you know, if anything from, I think, from last minute changes and plans to unexpected tantrums. Like, it’s really important to be able to embrace the art of flexibility. And it wasn’t until I became a mum that I realized how rigid I can get in my approach. I’m a kind of type a person.

Nicky Lowe [00:09:07]:
I wanna get from a to b in the quickest and most efficient way possible kind of woman. And anyone who’s a parent will know that getting from a to b in a straight line is not only unlikely when you have children, but it’s pretty damn impossible. I think motherhood tends to be this squiggly line of going kind of, almost feels like a round in circles sometimes trying to get everybody and everything in a line to get out of the house. So motherhood has taught me that being able to flex my thinking and approach is vital. You know, the more I feel under pressure, the more rigid I can become, and that limits my ability to adapt appropriately in the Mument. So I’m trying to focus on my psychological flexibility, and embracing that requires me to calm my nervous system as the point before. And I have to consciously remind myself to go more with the flow, knowing that some of the best memories are actually born out of spontaneity. But as I say, it doesn’t come easy to me, so I have to be quite intentional about being more flexible.

Nicky Lowe [00:10:13]:
My 5th lesson is around prioritizing quality over quantity. And I remember my summer holidays fondly as a child. My mum created some really magical Muments and memories, but because she was a stay at home mum, it’s been easy for me to fall into the trap of thinking that those magic Muments are created by being there for my children all of the time. And as a working Mum, time can really feel like a scarce commodity, especially during the summer holidays. And it’s easy to get caught up in trying to fit every activity in while trying to keep the wheels turning on your work. And I’ve learned that prioritizing that quality over quantity is really the key to truly saving those pressure Muments with the family. And if I’m honest, I’m not at my best when I’m constantly with my family. I need time to be in my professional identity.

Nicky Lowe [00:11:09]:
So I’ve learned that embracing quality, not quantity time with my family, is really key over the summer holidays. My 6th lesson is around sharing the mental load. Preparing for summer holidays can easily trick me up into superwoman mode. I remember the first holiday, we took our son on when he was a baby. The underlying anxiety I felt about what to pack, how we were gonna travel with the baby, how I was gonna cope with having a, you know, a pushchair, a, car seat, and all the paraphernalia that needed to go along with it, and also adapt to coping with the change in his routine, I think I turned into a bit of a crazy woman. So when we checked into the airport, and the pass passenger, kinda check-in assistant, tried to change my carefully laid out plans, I love remembering how my assertive superwoman cook kicked in. I’d spent weeks, if not months, like, planning out what needed to be put in the hold luggage, what needed to put in the hand luggage, what went where. I’d labeled everything up.

Nicky Lowe [00:12:22]:
I’d brought bags that like, the push chair would go in, so when it went into the the the the hold, it wouldn’t get bashed around. And I remember the check-in assistant at the airport trying to change what I was gonna do with, I think it was the car seat. And I just remember standing at the check-in desk going, no, you’ll I think you’ll find that, this is the way it needs to be. And I remember asking if I worked for the airline as I’d done so much research about what I could and couldn’t do, that I was so certain and, like, assertive in my approach. She clearly thought that I was an expert, and obviously, I wasn’t. But what I realize now is how vulnerable I felt in those Muments, and how much I’d taken on so much responsibility to get it all right and do it all myself. So what I try to do now is sit down with my family, and we map out a plan together. And I consciously ask for the help I need, not to go into that hyper individual, hyper independent mode.

Nicky Lowe [00:13:28]:
Because summer holidays are not meant to be the sole responsibility of 1 person, Even if my superwoman tries to take charge, I’ve learned that delegating and sharing responsibilities with my husband and my children fosters a sense of teamwork and togetherness. And if everybody can pitch in, it just makes the holiday more enjoyable for everybody. And, obviously, that gets easier as my children are getting older. And, you know, it helps that they’re at an age where they can pitch in. Because the summer holidays create an additional mental and domestic load, so seeking support from those around you to manage this is so important. So please don’t let your superwoman take the driving seat because it will leave you feeling exhausted, and overwhelmed, and a little crazy like I was. My 7th lesson is around digital detox. I think with smartphones and that constant connectivity, I’ve all too easily lost in the digital world, even on family vacations.

Nicky Lowe [00:14:35]:
In the early days of my business, I would take my laptop on holiday, and it was only up until a few years ago, I was the only person in my business. So it felt like an important thing to keep an eye on my inbox and keep things moving forward, even when I was on holiday. But even since building a team around me, I felt the pull of social media, you know, to document those special Muments. And if I’m honest, you know, to seek that And the more I can focus on my digital well-being with my children, And the more I can focus on my digital well-being with my children, the better I’m able to show up for them consciously in those quality Muments. So turning off notifications and emerging myself in the present Mument has made summer holidays more meaningful, but again, it doesn’t happen by chance. I have to be so intentional about that. Lesson number 8 is around setting boundaries. I think the summer creates some interesting nuances to navigating life as a working mum.

Nicky Lowe [00:15:35]:
You know, appropriate and affordable childcare, if your children are school age, is really difficult. Having enough holiday entitlement, if you’re employed, and a different routine for this season, it can all too easily feel like work has intruded on your personal life, or your personal life is negatively impacting your work. And finding that right kind of work life integration becomes more challenging, I think, over the summer. You know, maybe you’re somebody who likes to be able to integrate your work and life, or maybe you’re somebody who’d like to be able to compartmentalize your work and life. Whatever your situation and challenges, setting boundaries will be your friend for the summer and beyond. So be honest with yourself about how and when you can show up professionally. And equally be honest with yourself about how and when you can show up as a parent. And test this out with a trusted friend.

Nicky Lowe [00:16:27]:
It prevents over optimism or your blind spots taking over, or even Superwoman. And I say this from personal experience, communicate, communicate, communicate with family, friends, your employer, your colleagues, and your clients, because those boundaries are gonna be so important. Lesson 9 is remembering it’s just a season. I think the summer holiday can hold as much pressure as Christmas for mothers. There’s almost this societal expectation that we have to do it all amazingly. And if we’re a good enough mum, especially if we see what other mums are doing on social media. And I think there’s this idea of only having 18 summers with our children can create that unnecessary pressure and unrealistic expectations. So let’s release the pressure of counting the summers and instead remember it’s just a season.

Nicky Lowe [00:17:20]:
Just as mother nature knows that season can bring their own characteristics, each with their own gifts and challenges, let’s remember that too. I think there’s, you know, there’s countless opportunities for making memories and strengthening our bond with children. I think the love, the care, and support we provide extends far beyond the summers. You know, it’s those everyday Muments, big and small, that really shape our relationship with our children. So try not to put the pressure of the summer on yourself. And I think my final lesson is knowing that each year will be different. You know, just as it feels like we found our feet as working mothers across the summer. Things change.

Nicky Lowe [00:18:05]:
I know for me, what’s worked 1 year hasn’t worked the next. You know, my children are at different ages. You know, I’ve got a 5 year age gap between mine. You know, at each year, my circumstances have been different, and I’ve been different. And it reminds me of that quote, this too shall pass. You know, life is a constant state of flux. Both positive and negative circumstances are terrible. So if you find yourself having an amazing summer this year, embrace it, as this too shall pass.

Nicky Lowe [00:18:39]:
And if you’re having a challenging summer this year, remember, this too shall pass. I’ve embraced the flexibility of doing things differently from 1 year to the next. And, you know, there’s been some years where I’ve tried to work for, like, 3 weeks and take a few weeks off. And then there’ve been other years where I’ve tried to work 3 days a week and take 2 days off and do that across the whole of the summer. And each time it’s worked differently. And what I’ve tried to do is be intentional about what I need, what my family needs, and what my work needs. And sometimes you don’t know what you need until you’re knee deep in it. And this year, what I’m experimenting with is I’m actually taking off, as I mentioned, the whole of August.

Nicky Lowe [00:19:31]:
And this came around at the beginning of this year when my business manager, Lauren, who you’ve heard me talk about on this podcast before, we sat down and we were mapping out what we wanted this year to be about and what were the big things going on in our life and how we needed to plan for those with work. And one of the suggestions that Lauren made to me at the beginning of this year was, she said, I’ve seen you, you know, grapple with what works for you over the school summer holidays. She said, how about trying to take off August this year? And my initial reaction to that was, not impossible. Now I get that there’s a huge privilege in me being able to do that because I run my own business, and I I don’t have to book some, you know, holidays. I don’t have a holiday entitlement, and there’s a huge privilege in that. But what I will say is that’s one of the few benefits of running your own business. You know, I don’t get sick pay. I don’t get, you know, a lot of the the you know, I don’t get a a corporate pension and all of the other things that go along with being employed.

Nicky Lowe [00:20:37]:
So the one benefit I do get is I don’t have a holiday allocation. So as I say, I’m in a privileged position that I could look at even taking that much time off. But even with, my initial response was, no, I couldn’t possibly. I can’t let go of the reins for that long. But Lauren kept bringing me up at the beginning of the year. In our strategy meetings each month, she would say, she thought any more about it. And as the year progressed, I started to entertain the idea more because this is my last summer of my son being in primary school. And, you know, he leaves literally, at the end of end of July, and he’s starting this September at secondary school.

Nicky Lowe [00:21:22]:
And that’s a huge transition for us as a family, and it’s a huge transition for him. And I don’t know going forward how he’s gonna wanna spend his summer holidays. He’s probably gonna get new friends. He’s gonna have more independence. He may not choose to spend that time with me. Now he may, but I’m I kind of just started entertaining this idea about, well, what if this summer was the last summer that I had both of my children together to do activities with? So I’ve decided, and we’ve planned very carefully for it, and it’s meant, you know, I’ve I’ve front ended the the workload in my business to enable me to do that. And that’s what I’m experimenting with this year. And I have no idea how it goes.

Nicky Lowe [00:22:01]:
I will report back to you. But that’s what I mean is that we’re this every changing nature of life and motherhood. So as I wrap up this journey through the last 10 years of summer holidays, I hope that those lessons resonate with you, perhaps remind you that you’re not alone in your experience of trying to navigate this, and give you some ideas on your own lessons. And I’d love to hear what they are. What, you know, what are your lessons that you’ve been navigating the summer holidays as a mother? And I’m gonna be over here trying to embrace the beauty of this season in all of its glorious imperfectiveness, because I know it’s not gonna be perfect, but I’m gonna try and make the best of it as I can. So I’d love to hear from you. What are your lessons from navigating the summer holidays? And I hope these have been useful. And whatever the summer holidays are like for you this year, I hope you can, kind of, navigate it with ease and find meaningful Muments in amongst the juggle.

Nicky Lowe [00:23:08]:
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