High-achieving women often carry a secret that powers their success: a relentless inner critic. It drives us to reach higher, work harder, and push through challenges. But here’s the catch—it’s also the voice that keeps us feeling like we’re not enough, no matter how much we accomplish.

This relentless voice is often the secret ingredient behind our success, but it can leave us feeling exhausted, unworthy, and disconnected from ourselves.

Sound familiar?

We hold ourselves to sky-high standards, striving for perfection in our careers, relationships, and personal lives .Our  standards so high they’d make Mount Everest look like a gentle hill. And while this drive can fuel incredible achievements, it often comes at a cost: burnout, self-doubt, and disconnection from who we really are.

So, this Valentine’s Day, I’m inviting you to take a break from striving and explore what it means to like yourself—not in a fluffy, feel-good way, but in a grounded, evidence-based way that supports your growth and wellbeing.

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The Science of Self-Criticism vs. Self-Compassion

Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research, explains that the way we treat ourselves in moments of failure or struggle has a profound impact on our brains and our lives.

• Self-Criticism: This triggers the brain’s threat system, which sees mistakes and imperfections as dangers. When you berate yourself for not being good enough, your body floods with stress hormones like cortisol. Over time, this stress can lead to anxiety, depression, and burnout.
• Self-Compassion: In contrast, self-compassion activates the brain’s soothing system, which releases oxytocin—the “love hormone” that calms us and helps us feel safe. When we treat ourselves with kindness and understanding, we reduce stress, boost resilience, and actually become more effective problem-solvers.

Dr. Paul Gilbert, the founder of Compassion-Focused Therapy, takes this idea further, explaining that self-correction is far more powerful than self-criticism. Self-correction means holding yourself accountable with curiosity and kindness instead of shame. It allows you to learn from mistakes without tearing yourself down.

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A Simple Exercise: Say hi to her

Let’s make this personal. Take a moment to imagine yourself as a 7-year-old child. Think about what you looked like, what you were curious about, and what made you feel safe. Now imagine this younger version of yourself sitting in front of you, sharing her fears or mistakes.

How would you respond?

Would you tell her she’s not good enough? That she’ll never measure up? Of course not. You’d reassure her, encourage her, and remind her that she’s loved no matter what.

The truth is, that 7-year-old version of you still lives inside you. She’s the one who feels the sting of failure and the weight of self-criticism. And she’s the one who needs to hear a kinder, more compassionate voice.

So, the next time you catch your inner critic in full force, ask yourself: What would I say to her? What does she need to hear right now?

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The Courage to Like Yourself

Dr. Brené Brown’s research on shame and vulnerability offers another layer of insight. She reminds us that loving ourselves isn’t about being perfect—it’s about embracing our imperfections.

“Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we will ever do,” Brené says.

When we practice self-compassion, we create a safe space to be human. This doesn’t mean letting ourselves off the hook or lowering our standards. It means recognising that our worth isn’t tied to our productivity or our perfection.

Self-love, in this context, is courageous. It’s about facing the messy, flawed parts of ourselves with honesty and grace—and choosing to show up anyway.

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What’s Your Self-Love Language?

You’ve probably heard of the five love languages—words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and receiving gifts. These are the ways we express and receive love in relationships, but have you ever thought about how they apply to your relationship with yourself?

Take a moment to reflect:

• Words of Affirmation: Do you need to hear kind, encouraging words from yourself? Try writing affirmations or journaling about your strengths and wins.
• Quality Time: Do you crave time to focus on yourself? Schedule moments for self-care—reading, meditating, or just being alone with your thoughts.
• Acts of Service: Do you feel loved when you’re supported? Consider how you can support yourself—whether it’s meal prepping, organizing your space, or tackling that task you’ve been avoiding.
• Physical Touch: Does touch calm and center you? Gilbert’s research shows that soothing gestures like placing a hand on your heart can activate your care system.
• Receiving Gifts: Do you light up when you receive a thoughtful gift? Treat yourself to something meaningful—a book, a cozy sweater, or a bouquet of flowers just because.

Understanding your love language can help you show up for yourself in a way that feels authentic and nurturing.

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Self-Love Isn’t Soft. It’s Strategic.

Replacing self-criticism with self-compassion doesn’t make you complacent. It makes you stronger. When you treat yourself with kindness, you activate the parts of your brain that foster growth, resilience, and sustainable success.

High-achieving women are experts at showing up for everyone else, but this Valentine’s Day, I challenge you to show up for yourself. Speak to yourself like you’d speak to that 7-year-old version of you—with encouragement, kindness, and love.

Because when you stop waiting for perfection and start practising self-acceptance, you’ll realise something profound: liking yourself isn’t indulgent. It’s the foundation for a life where you don’t just achieve—you thrive.

So, what will you do to show yourself some love today?