Nicky Lowe [00:00:06]:
Hi. It’s Nicky Lowe, and welcome to the Wisdom for Working Mums podcast show. I’m your host. And for nearly two decades now, I’ve been an executive coach and leadership development consultant. And on this show, I share evidence based insights from my coaching, leadership, and psychological expertise and inspiring interviews that help women like you to combine your work, life, and motherhood in a more successful and sustainable way. Join me and my special guests as we delve into leadership and lifestyle topics for women, empowering you to thrive one conversation at a time. I’m so happy that you’re here and let’s go on with today’s episode. Welcome to this episode.

Nicky Lowe [00:00:47]:
And today I’m exploring a type of burnout that’s not often talked about, but could be quietly running the show in your life. And it’s the concept of misalignment burnout. And I’ve had several conversations with people recently on this topic, so I thought it was time we had this conversation here on the podcast too. You see, I often get asked about my journey with burnout. And when people are asking me, they think I’m gonna start with when I burnt out after having my son 12 ago. But my journey with burnout actually started way before that, nearly, well, just over twenty years ago. And let me take you back to explain this concept. So twenty years ago, I worked in corporate.

Nicky Lowe [00:01:38]:
I had a global leadership role and I often felt depleted and disconnected even though from the outside, it looked like I was thriving. I had all the external trappings of success. I talk about often that I had a really high standard of living, you know, a big corporate role that I could have only dreamt of when I left university. I had this big 6 figure salary, the company stocks and shares, great bonus scheme, company car. Me and my partner, who’s now my husband, we bought a farmhouse in the countryside that we were converting. So on paper, I was literally ticking all the boxes that I thought would make me successful, but on the inside I was suffering. I’d become a person I didn’t know or even like anymore and I felt really disconnected from who I was. And I thought I just needed to work harder to be able to enjoy the success, you know, that I just needed to learn more or be better, and then it would feel and get easier.

Nicky Lowe [00:02:46]:
And I also thought that was being ungrateful because I was struggling and not enjoying it. I was almost like, come on. You know, be grateful. You’ve worked hard for this, and look at what you’ve got. And I think I didn’t have the language for it then. I really thought I was the problem. But what I was actually experiencing, I now believe, was what’s called misalignment burnout. That bone deep exhaustion that happens when what you do every day isn’t aligned with who you really are.

Nicky Lowe [00:03:19]:
And maybe you’re feeling that too. So in this episode, I’m going to unpack. I’m gonna talk about what misaligned burner actually is, some of the science and psychology behind it, how to spot the signs of it in your own life, and most importantly how to realign with your purpose and reclaim your energy. And I think we’re also gonna weave in some wisdom from ancient philosophers who were talking about alignment long before Bernard had a name. So if you’ve ever felt like you’re living someone else’s version of success or that your work leaves you feeling hollow instead of whole, this episode is for you. So let’s dive in. First, let’s start to understand what misalignment burnout actually is and it’s a term that was recently brought into the spotlight by a psychologist called Doctor. Carlin Barensco who describes it as the type of burnout that happens not because you’re doing too much but because what you’re doing isn’t aligned with your purpose or values.

Nicky Lowe [00:04:32]:
It’s when you spend your days doing work that looks good on paper but feels like a slow leak in your soul and I think that’s what I felt back twenty years ago. It’s that gnawing sense that no matter how hard you work, something just doesn’t feel right and it’s exhausting in a way that rest can’t fix. And this is different from the classic idea of burnout caused by overwork. It’s not just about the volume of what you’re doing, it’s about the meaning behind it or the lack of it. So psychologically this kind of burnout is often tied to what’s called values incongruence, a state where really your internal compass is pointing one way but your job demands you to walk in another. And the research backs this up. So a study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that burnout is strongly linked to a mismatch between our unconscious needs, so needs like autonomy, connection, creativity, so that mismatch between our unconscious needs and what our job actually provides. So in simple terms, if your work doesn’t give what your soul is craving your body and mind start to rebel.

Nicky Lowe [00:05:50]:
And as working moms, especially high achieving ones, we’re often juggling so many roles that we don’t even notice that rebellion until it becomes physical. You know the fatigue, the dread, the loss of motivation or maybe the Sunday night anxiety that starts creeping in earlier every week and you might catch yourself thinking ‘I should be grateful’. Maybe that I have a good job, a steady salary, so why do I feel so flat? And if you catch yourself thinking that, that could be a sign that misalignment is speaking. And here’s the kicker, you know, many of us don’t even realize we’re burned out for misalignment because we’ve been conditioned to believe that exhaustion is just the price of success. But what if success doesn’t have to cost you your soul? And I think this was the lesson that I learnt nearly twenty years ago now. So I just wanted to get a little bit more specific because misalignment burnout can be quite similar but it’s it’s nuanced to general burnout and understanding what’s really going on in our minds and bodies can be really validating. We often talk about burnout as a single experience but researchers are increasingly distinguishing different times of burnout and misalignment burnout is one of the, I think, the most overlooked. So general burnout is defined by the World Health Organization as a syndrome resulting from chronic workplace stress that hasn’t been successfully managed And it’s normally characterized by emotional exhaustion or kind of a depersonalization or cynicism about our work or a reduced professional efficacy so we’re not able to do our work as well as we once were.

Nicky Lowe [00:07:47]:
And that form of burnout is often linked to overwork so it’s like high demands on us and insufficient resources. Kind of think of it as too many plates spinning or too little time or support. And misalignment burnout is different because it’s not just about doing too much, it’s about doing the wrong things for too long. So things that go against your core values or your natural strengths or your deeper sense of purpose. So psychologist Doctor Carolyn Barenskew describes it in this way, misalignment burner is the chronic exhaustion that results when your work isn’t aligned with your purpose and when it actively disconnects you from your identity and your why. And as I talked about, there’s that 02/2016 study in in frontiers in psychology where they found that burnout is especially likely when there’s a mismatch between your unconscious psychological needs and your work environment. So those might include things like autonomy, so you might have a sense of freedom and independence or your need for affiliation, so connection and community, or perhaps your need for achievement, so growth and mastery. And if your job doesn’t meet those needs, or worse, suppresses them, your nervous system is gonna start to sound the alarm.

Nicky Lowe [00:09:17]:
And that’s where we often see somatic symptoms, so the body talking, so the body’s way of communicating that distress. And that might be why you start to feel the fatigue that just sleep can’t fix or maybe brain fog or tension headaches or erasing gut, erasing heart sorry, or maybe, gut issues so you, you know, you start to feel kind of cramping. And it’s important to say these without any clear external cause and it’s important to say that burnout is not just in your head, it is real and has kind of physiological and psychological impacts And in some cases, burnout, especially when it involves chronic stress, can lead to a condition known in medical terms as occupational burnout syndrome. So if you’re experiencing prong symptoms, I would say, please know this is not something you have to push through and absolutely don’t feel alone in that. So let’s think about how you recognize the signs of this. So here’s a few signs to tune into because often I think awareness is the first step to, to any change and, and awareness in itself we talk about in coaching is curative, meaning just being aware can start to create the change that we want. So if you are feeling emotional exhaustion, so you feel drained, not just physically, but emotionally, and that even small tasks feel heavy, you might notice you’re feeling more irritable, more anxious or emotionally flat. That could be a sign.

Nicky Lowe [00:11:01]:
Also loss of purpose, that sense that you’re just going through the motions, that you’re showing up, doing the work and maybe even really succeeding in it, but it feels meaningless and like you’re just living on autopilot. Maybe you feel a sense of detachment or cynicism, so you’d start disconnecting from your work or from your team. Maybe you’re starting to feel numb. Maybe you’re noticing yourself becoming a bit more sarcastic or dismissive or checked out. You might even begin questioning everything like, why am I even doing this? Like, who even cares? You might feel an identity crisis. And I think this could be a big one for working moms because obviously when we become moms, we go through that identity shift and it can create that anyway. But you might be thinking like, I used to be so ambitious. Like, where did she go? Or is this all there is? When your work no longer really feels like a reflection of who you are and it creates that internal conflict that might be exhausting to carry.

Nicky Lowe [00:12:04]:
And here’s something that I want to say gently, but really clearly. If you’re feeling this way, you’re not broken. You’re not failing. It’s likely you’re just out of alignment and the good news is you can realign, you can rediscover work that lights you up instead of feeling like it’s burning you out And no, that doesn’t mean quitting your job tomorrow, you know, but for some it may, but often it’s not about that. Often it’s about small intentional shifts, about reconnecting with your values, are about reclaiming parts of your identity that you’ve probably put on the shelf or re evaluating what success really means for you and not anyone else And it means asking like, what do I need to feel whole again? Because when your work and your values are in harmony, even if the work is hard, it can become energizing rather than draining. It’s really stops you from just feeling like you’re in that survival mode and you can shift more towards thriving. And I think I love the quote stoic philosopher, Marcus Aurelius said when waste no more time arguing about what a good person should be, be one. And maybe for us, it’s about wasting no more time forcing a version of success that doesn’t fit, define your own and start living it.

Nicky Lowe [00:13:37]:
And Socrates talked about be aware of the barrenness of busyness life. And I think that’s a really powerful reminder that if we’re not careful, busyness without meaning can lead to this emptiness. So what do we do when we realize we’re out of alignment? When the work that I suppose wouldn’t lit us up now leaves us feeling like we’re running off fumes. I wanted to share with you four science backed strategies to help you to begin the journey of realignment if you find yourself out of alignment. The first strategy is about reconnecting with your core values. And if you’ve not done any work on your values, I really, really would encourage you to do that work. You know, now’s the time to ask yourself what really matters to me? Not what your company values, your boss values, what society applauds, not even what your past self wanted, but what does your current self crave? And there are tools out there that you can use to, to help discover your kind of strengths and values, things like the VIA character strength survey, but literally just journaling or asking yourself what is important to me can start to uncover what your values are. And often misalignment burnout shows that when we’re sacrificing our core values, like creativity or freedom or connection in the name of productivity.

Nicky Lowe [00:15:09]:
So I’d encourage you to ask, when was the last time I felt truly alive in my work? What was I doing and what values were present? So that’s step one. Step two is about redesigning your role exactly where you are so you don’t need a dramatic exit to find relief. Sometimes small shifts in your current role or in how you’re approaching it in terms of a mindset reframe can actually bring major returns and it’s called job crafting and it’s a concept from organizational psychology and it means proactively shaping your tasks, your relationships, or your mindset to align more, I suppose, more closely with your, your strengths and your values. So maybe it’s about taking on a more meaningful project. Maybe it’s about delegating tasks that deplete you, or maybe it’s about having an honest conversation about what is really important to you with your manager or your peers and so that you can start to make small shifts in focus or attention or framing that can really reignite your energy in a way that feels more in alignment. And the third strategy is about listening to your bottom use wisdom. I was actually on a podcast where I was being interviewed earlier this week and somebody asked me what I would say to my younger self after my journeys with burnout and all that I’ve come to learn. And I surprised myself where I actually was gonna give an answer.

Nicky Lowe [00:16:52]:
And I was like, no, that isn’t the real answer. The real answer is I would tell my younger self to listen to her body’s wisdom because there’s so much wisdom that our bodies hold. She is the most wise part of us. And burnout isn’t just in your mind. It shows up in our bodies, often in our nervous systems. So you might feel tension in your shoulders or you might feel like cellular level, like I’ve I’ve just got a fatigue. And these aren’t a sign of weakness. They’re your body’s way of saying something needs to change.

Nicky Lowe [00:17:27]:
And I would really encourage you to build rituals into your, maybe your day or your week that really ground and regulate you, maybe breath work, walking in nature, you know, any form of mindfulness that allows you to tune in. And doctor Jodie Richardson shared on this podcast the importance of our vagus nerve, like our body’s stress regulator, and how that can be calmed and how we can connect to our center and the wisdom we get when we connect there. And the final strategy is about defining your version of sex success. Because when we can realign in terms of what we define as success on our terms, that is where sustainable success comes from. And it might be that we need to go back and redefine what success looks like. Success might mean flexibility. It might mean purpose. It might mean enough space in your life to breathe.

Nicky Lowe [00:18:28]:
And as philosopher Alain de Botton said, there is no such thing as work life balance. Everything worth fighting for unbalances your life. The question is, what are you willing to unbalance your life for? And that really hit me. Like this, you know, if we’re trying to strive for this perfect work life balance, I know it doesn’t exist because I’ve tried it. There’s this sense that, do you know what? The things that are really important to us, we are willing to unbalance for. It’s just, what is it? What are those things? And let that guide you. Let that answer guide your next move. It’s about coming back to yourself ultimately, because realignment isn’t a one and done kind of fix, it’s a journey back to yourself and you don’t have to figure it all out today, in fact you can’t figure it all out today, but you can take the next right step And that begins with awareness, curiosity, and courage to just go and explore that.

Nicky Lowe [00:19:38]:
Because when your work aligns with who you are, it doesn’t just fill your calendar, it fuels your soul. And I want you to think about when you might need to seek help and who to talk to. Because if you think you might be experiencing misaligned burnout or burnout of any kind, please consider reaching out for professional support. You know, this might be talking to your occupational health specialist through work. So you might have an employee assistance program, and then he can help you work out about your work environment and how it might be affecting your mental and physical health. Or maybe reach out to a career specialist or coach trained in helping people navigate their purpose, their values, their career transitions, maybe a counsellor therapist, especially those with expertise in burnout or workplace stress, or maybe your GP because they can help rule out any medical issues, and refer you to specialists and help you explore any workplace adjustments if they’re needed. Because we know this, Burnout is not a badge of honor. It is a warning light and reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness.

Nicky Lowe [00:20:49]:
It’s a powerful act of self leadership and I’ve really come to realize that. So as we close today’s episode I wanted to leave you with this. If you’ve been feeling exhausted or uninspired or just like you’re constantly questioning your path, it’s not because you’re weak, it’s not because you’re trying not trying hard enough. It might just be because you’re out of alignment. So here’s the truth. You deserve a life and a career that feels like it belongs to you. One where your energy feels something meaningful instead of being drained into something that doesn’t reflect who you are. And realignment, as I said, doesn’t always require that dramatic change.

Nicky Lowe [00:21:40]:
Sometimes it starts with a whisper, a single question. What would it look like to live more in tune with my values? So I invite you to take one small step after listening to this, whether that’s journaling, talking to someone you trust, reaching out to a coach or a therapist, or just allowing yourself to notice where things feel off. Remember awareness is power and you have more agency than you think. So if this episode has resonated with you, I’d love for you to share it with another working mum who might be secretly and silently battling the same burnout. Because when we give each other permission to name what we’re feeling, we begin to thrive together. So thank you so much for spending time with me on this episode. Until next time, take care of yourself and remember your well-being matters just as much as your ambition. If you’ve enjoyed this episode of Wisdom for Working Mums, I’d love for you to share it on social media or with the amazing women in your life.

Nicky Lowe [00:22:48]:
I’d also love to connect with you, so head over to illuminate-group.co.uk, where you’ll find ways to stay in touch. And if this episode resonated with you, one of the best ways to support the show is by subscribing and leaving a review on iTunes. Your review helps other women discover this resource, so together we can lift each other up as we rise. So thanks for listening. Until next time. Take care.